Hilarity, Sully, Blasphemy, and Strange Sexuality

Before I start this post I want to do 2 things. One, apologize cuz it's very long, but I just couldn't bear to part with any of it, so, yeah. And secondly, I want to say I totally loooooove you to all my readers. You are all so awesome, every one of you (and you must be at least a little strange too if  you can handle all the shit that falls out of my head) and especially my loyal readers who leave their 2 cents on my posts. Your comments always make me laugh and brighten my day. So thank you, thank you, thank you all!

Mwah!

My daughter's parakeet is a total metal head! Right now I'm playing the album 'Wisconsin Death Trip' by Static-X and she's totally going fucking nuts chirping along with it and dancing around on her perch. I wish I had a video camera or something cuz it is so beyond hilarious. She also likes Rob Zombie, Disturbed, and Guns N Roses. That's my kinda bird!

Recently I decided I'm no longer going to fight the voices in my head. I am going to embrace them. And not only am I going to embrace them, I'm going to name them all. So, look for that post soon.

So, I have a new Sully fantasy. Which is good, cuz the other 182 fantasies I had were getting stale. I needed a new one. The spark was fading from our relationship. So, in this fantasy, he surprises me late at night with a motorcycle ride to an empty beach where we picnic under a Full Moon and then we go skinny dipping, and...well I'll just stop there cuz the rest is...deliciously naughty and this is a family blog. (Since when?? LMAO)

The other day I was perusing my archives to see how much my blogging has changed since I started in 2007 (here anyway-I started out on Blogspirit in 2005) and to see if there was any material I wanted to spice up and repeat in case I ran out of blogging ideas someday. When I found this gem I had to repost it. 


Post date: November 2007

Post title: God is a Hermaphrodite (Oh, just wait, it gets better!) 

So, I'm on my way to drop the Drunken Midgets off at religion class last night [They were taking classes for their 1st Communion at my mom's church at the time.] and as usual, we had the strangest conversation. It started with:

Youngest DM: "God is both male and female so he has boobies and a penis."

[LMFAO-I totally forgot about this!]

And ended with:

Me: "Jesus is the one that's supposed to come back to Earth and he will NOT have boobies!"

 I really wish I had thought to record the whole conversation, cuz I know it was a doozy!

With a little help from StumbleUpon, I created my own hell, all 9 circles of it. It looks a little something like this:

DMV Employees, General asshats
Circle I Limbo

Militant Vegans
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Scientologists
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Rednecks
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Bernie Madoff
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Osama bin Laden
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Creationists
Circle VII Burning Sands

George Bush, Republicans
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

The Pope, Jerry Falwell
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Now wasn't that just a phenomenal waste of time?! It was fun though. You should try it. 

(I promise, I'm almost done)

  

And, another page from StumbleUpon offered up these strange sex laws (and more):

In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
 
In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.
 
Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.
 
While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum. 
 
An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.
 
As recently as 1990, these states had laws against the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C.
 
In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. Dead ones are apparently alright!?! 
 
It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session. 
 
Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England—but only in tropical fish stores.
 
In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.
 
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
 
Prostitutes in South Dakota are still prohibited from plying their trade out of a covered wagon.
 
Don't try to fool around while skinny-dipping anywhere near Georgetown, Guyana. Getting caught while bathing in the nude is punishable with a coat of fresh paint. The bathers are then taken to the outskirts of Georgetown and left to fend for themselves. The law is even tougher in its effort to discourage people from having sex while skinny-dipping. The lovers are first given a coat of paint, then both parties "will be attached to an ass and taken on a tour of the village." Finally, they'll be dropped at the edge of town and told in no uncertain terms to not bother coming back.
 
In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)

And on that note, I'm outta here!

Laters!