Friday, March 18, 2011

Hilarity, Sully, Blasphemy, and Strange Sexuality

Before I start this post I want to do 2 things. One, apologize cuz it's very long, but I just couldn't bear to part with any of it, so, yeah. And secondly, I want to say I totally loooooove you to all my readers. You are all so awesome, every one of you (and you must be at least a little strange too if  you can handle all the shit that falls out of my head) and especially my loyal readers who leave their 2 cents on my posts. Your comments always make me laugh and brighten my day. So thank you, thank you, thank you all!

Mwah!


My daughter's parakeet is a total metal head! Right now I'm playing the album 'Wisconsin Death Trip' by Static-X and she's totally going fucking nuts chirping along with it and dancing around on her perch. I wish I had a video camera or something cuz it is so beyond hilarious. She also likes Rob Zombie, Disturbed, and Guns N Roses. That's my kinda bird!


Recently I decided I'm no longer going to fight the voices in my head. I am going to embrace them. And not only am I going to embrace them, I'm going to name them all. So, look for that post soon.


So, I have a new Sully fantasy. Which is good, cuz the other 182 fantasies I had were getting stale. I needed a new one. The spark was fading from our relationship. So, in this fantasy, he surprises me late at night with a motorcycle ride to an empty beach where we picnic under a Full Moon and then we go skinny dipping, and...well I'll just stop there cuz the rest is...deliciously naughty and this is a family blog. (Since when?? LMAO)

The other day I was perusing my archives to see how much my blogging has changed since I started in 2007 (here anyway-I started out on Blogspirit in 2005) and to see if there was any material I wanted to spice up and repeat in case I ran out of blogging ideas someday. When I found this gem I had to repost it. 


Post date: November 2007

Post title: God is a Hermaphrodite (Oh, just wait, it gets better!) 

So, I'm on my way to drop the Drunken Midgets off at religion class last night [They were taking classes for their 1st Communion at my mom's church at the time.] and as usual, we had the strangest conversation. It started with:

Youngest DM: "God is both male and female so he has boobies and a penis."

[LMFAO-I totally forgot about this!]

And ended with:

Me: "Jesus is the one that's supposed to come back to Earth and he will NOT have boobies!"
 I really wish I had thought to record the whole conversation, cuz I know it was a doozy!

With a little help from StumbleUpon, I created my own hell, all 9 circles of it. It looks a little something like this:

DMV Employees, General asshats
Circle I Limbo
Militant Vegans
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
Scientologists
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
Rednecks
Circle IV Rolling Weights
Bernie Madoff
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
River Styx
Osama bin Laden
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
River Phlegyas
Creationists
Circle VII Burning Sands
George Bush, Republicans
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement
The Pope, Jerry Falwell
Circle IX Frozen in Ice
Design your own hell

Now wasn't that just a phenomenal waste of time?! It was fun though. You should try it. 

(I promise, I'm almost done)
  
And, another page from StumbleUpon offered up these strange sex laws (and more):

In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
 
In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.
 
Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.
 
While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum. 
 
An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.
 
As recently as 1990, these states had laws against the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C.
 
In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. Dead ones are apparently alright!?! 
 
It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session. 
 
Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England—but only in tropical fish stores.
 
In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.
 
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
 
Prostitutes in South Dakota are still prohibited from plying their trade out of a covered wagon.
 
Don't try to fool around while skinny-dipping anywhere near Georgetown, Guyana. Getting caught while bathing in the nude is punishable with a coat of fresh paint. The bathers are then taken to the outskirts of Georgetown and left to fend for themselves. The law is even tougher in its effort to discourage people from having sex while skinny-dipping. The lovers are first given a coat of paint, then both parties "will be attached to an ass and taken on a tour of the village." Finally, they'll be dropped at the edge of town and told in no uncertain terms to not bother coming back.
 
In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)

And on that note, I'm outta here!
Laters!

19 comments:

  1. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to fuck a porcupine here too. Porcupines all over the county just breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. LMAO

    Have a great weekend!

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  2. your blog is just a plethora of information! I always learn so much. your hell looks a lot like mine.

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  3. Wow...radish up the rectum....yikes. Though I suspect some men might not hate that "punishment."

    I think your level of hell for Bush and the republicans has a typo - it should read covered in burning excrement, right? I think that's more fitting. And it'd be great if you combine all the levels for Falwell. He's a hideous human.

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  4. Totally cool that the bird loves rock music.

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  5. I'm really glad that whole porcupine thing happened in Denver. Phew! Dodged that bullet!

    I think the kids onto something...maybe God is black/white/chinese, etc. with a penis and boobs....this would cover all bases...I think this theory holds weight!

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  6. Kristine~ LOL No kidding! My question though is, who was the guy that fucked the porcupine in the first place that caused them to create this law?

    You have a great weekend too!

    Brandy@YDK~ LOL, well I have a lot of time on my hands to surf the web!

    Kaylen~ I know, right?

    Yes, burning excrement, much better! Yes, Falwell is a hideous human, and I think that he's going to be very surprised to find Heaven's gates barred and locked when he arrives! Either that or he's going to be reincarnated as a dung beetle. hehe

    VandyJ~ I thought so too! LMAO

    Boobies~ I know right? LOL

    I think you could be right! Out of the mouths of babes.

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  7. It's like a list of naughty things I must now do! ;)

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  8. Ok, I have some questions now.

    What if the porcupine is consenting? AND, more importantly, what if you're in a NYC BDSM parlor with one? I'm thinking there's got to be some grey areas with this law.

    The radish could be a problem, much more than the pube pluck, especially if it's been Made into a radish rose. Ouch.

    I'm totally impressed with the emphatic way you handled the return of Jeebus and that he will, indeed, be a man's man.

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  9. Can I just correct you on a few things?

    In London:-

    It is illegal to have sex on a parked porcupine but you can have sex on a moving one….For obvious reasons I prefer to go on top with knee pads ;

    It is illegal to have sexual relations with a motorcycle unless you have written consent from a parked porcupine which you have not had sex on in the last 5 years;

    It is illegal for a porcupine to ride a motorcycle unless it is having sex;

    Hope that clears up any confusion…

    I’m just off to fight my fine for having sex on a porcupine that was stopped for not having sex on a moving motorbike. I swear when I started the porcupine was moving and I’m claiming entrapment by the police….

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  10. I guess I won't be taking my porcupine to Florida

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  11. Now there are some facts
    Preventing all kind of acts
    although who'd really fuck a porcupine
    If you do you aren't fine
    Another fun read as before
    Now back to work to see what these whiners have in store
    For me tonight
    I'm probably in for a fright
    Maybe a bit of a fight
    Or maybe things will be light
    See you soon
    From the loon

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  12. I was taking a trip to your older posts when you started this blog in 2007. Very interesting...very interesting indeed. It's crazy how much your life can change in 4 years...no? I started mine in June of 2008. And I have this post that has been sitting in my chest and I'm really scared to write it...so I'm procrastinating. I think I'll be able to move on once I write it though. Even if I write it and never post it, it'll be good to get it out.

    But we were talking about you...all these sex laws are so funny. I'm so glad to hear that our tax dollars are going to good use.

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  13. Hehehehe! If it were me, I would add Michael Vick, clean freaks and alpha moms.

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  14. LOL ... that some impressive research you've done here! :o) LOL

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  15. Well that was an amusing way to begin my day! Have a great weekend!

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  16. They should have kept dildos illegal in DC. Now, the House of Representatives is full of them.

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  17. You tellin' me I broke the Law in London??

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  18. Beth~ LMAO, I know, right?

    The Defiant Marshmallow~ As long as the porcupine is of legal age to consent, it is legal. The problem with this is that no one can agree on what the age of consent is for a porcupine. If you are in a NYC BDSM parlor it is legal as long as your porcupine is carrying the proper identification.

    Ouch is right!

    LOL Thanks! I figured I'd better clear that up or my Midgets would run to my grandma telling her that Jesus had boobies and she'd have stroke or something.

    BlackLOG~ Yes, that does clear up the confusion, thank you. Also, don't forget that it is legal to have sex on a porcine sitting on a parked motorbike on the second Tuesday of every month and during lent.

    Good luck fighting your fine. You can always just plead temporary insanity induced by a sexual addiction to porcupines.

    livintheblues~ LMAO Best to stay right where you are with your porcupine. :D

    Rhymetime(aka Pat)~ To fuck a porcupine
    is to cross a line
    that should never be crossed
    and if you do you should be tossed
    into the loony bin
    for your grievous sin.
    Hope you made it through the week
    and found what it is you seek
    some sleep or maybe fun
    and by the time the weekend's done
    you'll be ready for Monday to begin
    or maybe you'll just want some gin.

    Kate~ I think most of my posts when I first started were pretty boring. I just didn't have my bloggy groove on yet. But, there's some ok stuff in there. I really encourage you to write that post, even if you never publish it, cuz just getting it out into words can be so incredibly cathartic. There's a few things I've written but never posted but felt better for having written it. Good luck with it!

    I know right? LOL

    Fireblossom~ I so would have, had they been among the choices! You didn't get to come up with your own people, but got to choose from a list.

    Mama Zen~ That's what I said! LOL

    Deborah~ It's all thanks to StumbleUpon! hehe

    Kim Nelson~ Thanks! I hope your weekend was awesome!

    bluzdude~ LMAO No shit!

    Shrinky~ Only you can be the judge of that. You, and a jury of your peers. ;)

    Have a fantastic Sunday everyone!

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Ok, so I admit it, I'm a comment whore. Comments are the reason I blog. Okay, that's not entirely true. I blog to let the insanity out so my head doesn't explode, cuz that would just be messy and inconvenient. But still, I adore comments and reply to each one, though sometimes it takes me a few days to get to it. So, if you're interested in reading my comment on your comment, check back later!