Apocalypse Anxiety-Don't Judge Me!

If you can't read this you have been raptured. 

Apocalypse 2011Update: Apparently when I heard 6 p.m. that was the time it will be in New Zealand where the first earthquake will supposedly happen. That would be 1 a.m. CST.

I'm skipping Fawk You Friday to bring you this special Apocalypse Post. If I survive the end of the world, I'll be back with all my Fawk You's next week. 

Ok, so is everyone ready for the end of the world? I heard that it's ending at 6 p.m. on Saturday. Did everyone else hear 6 too? Just wondering. I wouldn't want to be late for the Apocalypse.

So, I would be a liar, liar, pants on fire if I said I wasn't terrified a little nervous about this whole world ending thing. I mean, if the Rapture does come, I'm very obviously getting 'left behind,' being an evil heathen and all. I could accept Jesus as my savior (again) but I think that would be hypocritical considering that if the world doesn't end I'd go right back to worshiping the Goddess.


Logically speaking, I really don't think it's going to end. I mean, how many times has some religious nutjob predicted the end of the world? Far too many. But, you just never know. Maybe this particular nutjob has a direct line to Jesus, who gave him a friendly heads up.

Billie Joe Armstrong

Zombie Billie Joe Armstrong?

And, as I asked on my other blog in my Pre-Apocalyptic post, will there be zombies? You can read all about my Zombie Apocalypse preparedness there. What are you waiting for? Go on. Read it. I'll wait.

*Jeopardy tune plays softly*

Ok, now that you've done that, back to my Apocalypse anxiety.

Do you know that there is not an actual psychological term for fear of the Apocalypse? From what I've read, fear of death (thanatophobia) is the nearest term there is. Go figure.

My eldest Drunken Midget has inherited my fear of the Apocalypse and I spent part of last night trying to comfort her. She is spending Saturday with her dad, and let me tell you, if the world ends and I don't get to see her beforehand cuz she was with him, I'm so going to haunt his ass. Or if I get turned into a zombie, he will be the first person I eat. There's actually a lot of people I'd like to eat if I ever get turned into a zombie. Like the woman at Goodwill who asked me if I qualify for their senior citizen's discount (WTF?? I'm 38 for fuck's sake!). I really should make a list.

I'll be a child left behind. :(

Anyhoo, so yeah, a little panicked about the Rapture. I used to be a Christian and I've been baptized twice (Once as a baby into the Catholic Church and once as an adult into a born-again Christian church), do you think that will get me raptured despite the fact that I've been a heathen since 2005? I mean don't all those years of 3 hour a day  Bible study sessions count for something? (Yes, I used to read my Bible for 3 hours a day. I knew that book inside and out. I also went to Church 3 days a week. I was a fanatic. Don't judge me.)

If the world does end I'm gonna be righteously kinda pissed. I mean, really, I'm only 38 and now I have to live through hell on earth before being jettisoned into hell itself? Can't God at least wait until I'm in my 80s and riddled with dementia so that I have no clue as to what's going on? Work with me here, dude!!

All right, well, I'm outta here for now. Maybe forever. (Unless they have wifi in hell) I'm going to try and be Zen about the whole Apocalypse thing. If it happens, it happens. There's nothing I can do to stop it. And if there's zombies I know I'll fail the #1 Rule of Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness: Cardio. I'm so out of shape I could never outrun a zombie so no matter what happens, I'll pretty much just taste delicious. 
 
Laters! 
(I hope)