Stuperhero Extraordinaire

Lots of Time Has Passed and I'm Still Completely Crackers

2011-11-20T02:55:00.000-06:00

Oh my Goddess, it's been forever and a day since I've blogged! So what has been happening with me the last few months? Let's see...other than the fact that I've been completely MIA from my blogs and Facebook, there's been shit, crap and assorted other bullshit. Then there was mono, escalating heart problems, and the ever-lingering abject poverty. Not that it's all been horrid. My youngest Drunken Midget and I have been getting along much better. And my eldest has been doing well in college and recently was hired at a 2nd job. Yay!! And I've been doing a lot of rituals and attending to my spiritual side, which I ignored for far too long cuz I was just too depressed to do a damn thing.

I've also been seeing my therapist, who is, like, total awesomeness. She told me last week that she wants me to watch the 'Hostel' movies as therapeutic homework to help me deal with my anger issues. (I may or may not have mentioned that I would love to torture and maim certain persons who shall not be named in the remote eventuality that they wind up tortured and maimed. However, I would like to point out that my religion mandates that I harm none, so the aforementioned torture and maiming would remain in the realm of fantasy and I would not in actuality commit such heinous acts in reality.) As I adore Quentin Tarantino I was all over that but they didn't have those flicks streaming on Netflix so I opted to watch 'The Killing Jar' and 'Kill Bill: Volume 1' and 'Kill Bill: Volume 2.' As I've said before Uma Thurman totally and completely kicks ass (with a sword) and I'm all over her exacting vengeance on all those who harmed her. And 'The Killing Jar' was just beyond utterly fantastic. I so have to buy that one on DVD.

In other, less disturbing news, winter is finally here. Booyah!!! In mid November I was driving home one day and saw this chick jogging, wearing a tank top and shorts. In November. In Minnesota. Can you say Climate Change, boys and girls???? So, when the snow started falling yesterday I was really, really excited.

Interestingly enough, a scientist, who was a major Climate Change skeptic (I'm too lazy to look up his name-well, Jebus, it's after 2 a.m., what do you expect?) did a study. That study was funded by, among others, the uberconservative Koch brothers. After completing that study this scientist determined that, surprise, surprise, climate change is not a fantasy cooked up by paranoid Democrats as claimed by Republicans everywhere, but a solid reality. Hmmmm. Go figure.

So, a while ago my youngest Drunken Midget was making this god-awful high pitched squealing noise. After about a minute of enduring it I asked, "Why are you making that noise?" She responded, "I wanted to see how long it would take you to tell me to stop." And people wonder why I'm insane.

Oh, and then, one night I had a dream that Justin Bieber was my parent's next door neighbor. Then, these giant venomous snakes attacked, which was rather terrifying, but in the end they ate Justin Bieber, so it was all good.

Oh, and did I mention that in the last few months I've lost 40+ lbs? Woot! Woot! I am so very psyched about that!

Lately I've been reading the A Game of Thrones books, which are absolutely excellent and I highly recommend them.

K, then, I should probably make some sort of attempt to sleep now, so I'm off.

Laters!

Yeah, I'm Feeling Violent. So What You Gonna Do About It, Punk?

2011-07-18T20:58:00.001-05:00

Jebus!! I've been blogging so infrequently lately that I forgot my log in email. Damn it. But, it's all good now. I'm logged in and ready to blog. Yeehaw!! Or something a little less country than that.

So, yes, another blog in less than a week. Go me! Still haven't been reading up on all my favorite blogs though. Don't smack me please, I'm working on it. I just can't fucking focus. My psychiatrist has lowered the doses of most of my meds in hopes that I won't sleep as much but so far all it's done is make me ever more depressed. Maybe we should smack her. Somebody needs to be smacked, god damn it. As long as it's not me.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm feeling rather violent today. Normally I'm a pacifist, being a Buddhist Pagan Witch that worships Dog and all that, but the last couple days I've been feeling like delivering a phenomenal ass-kicking. And I know so many people that deserve one, but I will not mention them here cuz if they happen to receive a good ass-kicking everyone will blame me for it. Even my dreams have been violent lately. I mean violent in a kick the living shit out of anyone who crosses me kinda way. Blood spurting, organs oozing out, the whole nine yards. Not sure what that's all about, though on some level I do find it enormously satisfying. Maybe the pacifist in me is sick of turning the proverbial cheek and wants some wicked payback. My therapist is always telling me I'm far too passive for my own good.

But setting the violence aside for a moment (aww, do we have to?) I must say that I'm totally psyched cuz season 4 of Burn Notice is out on DVD. I'm so asking for it for my birthday (which is next Tuesday, in case you were wondering). It's one of my favorite shows. Fiona (Gabriel Anwar) is so awesome, she's such a bad-ass (with the violence again, really?) and she doesn't take shit from anyone. She's, like, totally my idol. She needs to eat a couple dozen bacon cheeseburgers cuz she's too damn skinny, but I love her attitude. And Michael (Jeffrey Donovan) is such a cutie!! He's no Sully Erna, but he's pretty damn hot. And he can kick some ass when he has too, which is always sexy.

And, I leave you with this vid. Cuz I love it.

Laters!

It's Been a Long Strange Trip and All That. Oh, and My Cat Keeps Sneezing.

2011-07-14T23:22:00.000-05:00

My cat is sick. But that's neither here nor there.

OMFG I should be dipped in honey and tossed onto a fire anthill it's been so long since I've blogged and read other blogs. But really I have a fantabulous excuse. See, I was so totally depressed for the longest time and then I went up north to my parent's cabin with all kinds of family members and I was too busy to blog. My Mom and Dad were there along with my two Drunken Midgets, my eldest Drunken Midget's BF, my Grandma, my Uncle and his BF, and my bro, sis-in-law and nephews. There was much fun and hilarity and my last night there I laughed so much my whole body hurt. I haven't laughed so hard in over 5 years. There where campfires and dinners at Zorbas and all that. It was just awesome and I totally needed the break from my life which has totally been sucking rocks as of late.

And I just have to share that there was this one night where my nephews were playing with my Dad, who is known for getting kids totally riled up, and they had so much fun one of them actually threw up. So, apparently it's all fun and games until someone tosses their cookies.

Then I got home and there was a billion appointments cuz I had been gone and all that. Then, apparently my cardiologist wants me to have a cardiac MRI which involves me being forcibly stuffed into a little tube and I'm highly claustrophobic so I've been avoiding that like the plague. I'd rather be doused in gasoline and set on fire than do that. So yeah.

But I'm still alive, if not kicking. My youngest Drunken Midget is at her 'father's' all next week so I'm hoping to catch up on all my blog reading then.

I hope everyone in cyberspace is doing well and that life is totally awesome for all of you. I miss you all and I'll hopefully be reading all your blogs soon.

Mwah!!

Laters!

Pulling Myself out of the Coma Long Enough to Blog

2011-06-15T16:14:00.000-05:00

You'll have to forgive me, I feel a little rusty in my blogging. It's been a while.

Yes, I am still breathing. My apologies for my extended blogging absence and for not keeping up on all my friend's blogs. It's been a rough few weeks. Lately I've been battling severe depression and extreme exhaustion. I've been sleeping around 18-20 hours a day. It's been so bad that I can't even stay awake most days to drink my coffee. Goddess only knows how much coffee I've wasted cuz I make a pot and then fall asleep before I can drink it. And I hate stale coffee.

Then today I received some bad news from my doctor. Apparently when they did my last echocardiogram they found an abnormality in my heart, called Diastolic Dysfunction, which increases my risk of heart failure (and I'm already at an increased risk cuz of the tachycardia and diabetes). I'm not sure if it's related to the tachycardia (elevated heart rate) or not, nor am I sure what treatments are available or even how serious it is, but I see my cardiologist on the 27th and we'll see what she says.

So yeah, it's been an interesting few weeks. I also have to go in for a sleep study cuz they think I may have sleep apnea. It seems like every time I turn around they find something else wrong with me. It's been very frustrating.

But, there have been good things too. I lost another 10 pounds (Yay!), and we finally got my blood pressure under control. My blood sugars have been down too. They're still high, but much better than they were, so that's good.

And, I'm very excited cuz if I get my renter's rebate in August (I still need to fill out the paperwork) I'm getting another tattoo!! Woot! Woot! I'd like to get my eyebrow pierced too but wanna lose some more weight first. I'm not sure what tattoo I'm going to get. Either an ankh on my inner forearm or something on my upper right arm with my Drunken Midget's names in it. I'm going to see if my eldest will help me design something, she's a really good artist.

And, for those of you who aren't my Facebook friends (cuz they've already seen this), I've decided that if ever get 3 wishes, I'm wishing for Sully Erna (duh), Chad Gray, and Billie Joe Armstrong. I could totally be a polygamist and have my own little harem. Now I just need to find me a genie!!

I'm also very excited cuz I was able to stay awake long enough today to drink coffee for the first time in over a week. Oh how I've missed my coffee. I think I've had enough caffeine to kill a small pony. It's a good thing I'm not a small pony. It's also the first time in a long time that I've been awake long enough to listen to music. Oh Godsmack, how I've missed you!!

There's this fruit fly in my room and he's the fastest fruit fly I've ever seen. He's like a super sonic fruit fly on coke. I just can't catch the little bastard. And he loves to dive bomb me. It's so annoying.

Anyhoo, that's really all that I have today. Hopefully I'll be back on my regular blogging and reading schedule soon.

Laters!

2011-06-07T12:02:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm still alive. No I was not taken away by the men with the white coats or abducted by aliens. Nor did I die in a fiery explosion or get devoured by sharks or even wild marmosets. I'm still here, exhausted and in pain, trapped by my life and fighting bone crushing depression. Well, aren't I just a ray of fucking sunshine today?

But, onto better things. Like Random Tuesday Thoughts. If anything can lift me out of the pit, at least for a moment, it's randomness and mayhem courtesy of our awesome rebel host, Stacy. So give her a shout out, grab the badge, and paint yourself random!

*I had dinner on Saturday with an old friend whom I haven't talked to in ages. It was wonderful to see her again. She is so awesome. And hopefully we're going to hang out on Wednesday again. Woot! Woot!

*Has anybody been following Weinergate? Personally, I really couldn't care less who Weiner showed his weiner to. He's a good congressman, he fights for the poor and downtrodden and he's a voice for those who don't otherwise have one. As far as I'm concerned, his horniness just got the better of him. It happens to the best of us. Get over it. At least when he lied, nobody died.

*Today is our 2nd day of 98+ temps, and let me tell you, I'm sick of summer already. I hate the heat. Loathe it. It makes me physically sick. I so need to move to Siberia or something.

*I've been a bad bloggy friend. I haven't been reading my favorite blogs. I've just been too exhausted to concentrate.

*The other day I finally found David Eddings' books at Half Price books. I'm so excited to read them, I've been longing for some good reading. Of course, now I have to figure out how to stay awake long enough to read them.

Well I guess that's all the random I have today. I'm just not feeling usual happy-go-lucky-random-self today.

Laters!

Random is as Random Does: Random Tuesday Thoughts Rebel

2011-05-31T04:59:00.000-05:00

Yes, yes, ya'll it is time for Random Tuesday Thoughts once again! So check out Stacy, who is so very awesome for continuing the Random tradition while Keely is (still) on hiatus, get down with your randomness and link up!!

*So, we might have a new addition to our family. My youngest Drunken Midget, who is friend to all injured and abandoned animals, found a baby blackbird when she was at her 'father's' house. She immediately adopted it and named it Izzy (I tried to get her to name it Hekate or Morrigan, but she wasn't having it. That's ok, Izzy is cool too). I told her that she has to take it to the Humane Society tomorrow, but she's begging me to let her keep it until it can fly, and she's wearing me down. She raised a baby robin (Hedwig) one year and she taught it how to fly and everything.

*After about two hours of being home she came into my room and exclaimed, "You're not truly a mom until you've been pooped and peed on." She also keeps chanting to the cats, "Birds are friends, NOT food" because she thinks it will brainwash them into not trying to eat Izzy.

*The next animal I get, I'm naming it Lizzie, for Lizzie Borden.

*I just love it when the gov't fucks up and then proceeds to punish me for it. Fuckers.

*This weekend I had no Midget and spent most of it on the computer. FB just sucks me in and won't let go. Then of course, there's Netflix and all the tv watching I have to make up for from not having tv for the last 3 (I think, it's really been just a blur) years.

*This weekend, I also received 3 awards. Yay! I will be posting on them soon, but probably not all at the same time.

*Furthermore, I was so bad this weekend. Just utterly naughty. Really, I should be spanked. Then dipped in honey and thrown forcefully at a bear. Not only did I buy a thing of cream cheese brownies but I also bought a 12 pack of Vault and a bag of Lays potato chips. None live to tell the tale. It's a good thing I only do that once in a blue moon or I'd be in a diabetic coma by now.

*A random pic:

Does everyone entering the city receive a free sex toy?

*Random Quote of the Day:

We are best friends. Always remember that when you fall, I will pick you up. After I stop laughing.

*Random Word of the Day: Bohemian

Laters!

It's Really Just a Bunch of Random Blather Cuz I'm BOARD. (You'll Get That Later)

2011-05-29T20:19:00.000-05:00

I've been following the Circle of Mom's blog contest for moms of faith. Not Christian moms of faith, just moms of faith. I'm very disappointed and sickened, though not surprised, by the behavior of some of the Christian moms towards the Pagans in the contest. They are intolerant and bigoted, full of hatred and condemnation for the Pagan moms. They seem to forget that, among other statements of tolerance and love, the Bible says, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." (Matthew 7:1) They also seem to have forgotten that Jesus hung around with the sinners, prostitutes, drunks, and tax collectors. These women, and many other Christians, seem to take Jesus' instructions to 'love thy neighbor' as meaning, 'love thy Christian neighbor and hate, revile, and harass everyone else.' It's very sad. And, to be honest, it makes me angry.

My favorite Facebook profile status update that I posted this week:

OMG Lays potato chips, stop jumping into my mouth and forcing me to eat you! Don't you know you're bad for me?? You fucking bastards, are you trying to kill me???

Yeah, I think I just raptured.

Not to betray my love for Christopher Eccleston or anything, but David Tennant is starting to grow on me in a big way. He's a hottie and he has fabulous hair. I may have to fight Julie for him though.

My hair has streaks of a silvery color in it, which I think is really cool, but the rest of it is a nondescript brown. I wish I could just dye the brown and not the silver. I'd dye it black cuz I think it would be totally awesome to have black and silver hair. At least when I grow older and my hair completely grays it will be a nice shiny silver instead of boring old dull gray.

Did you know that if you take the last two numbers of your birth year and add it to the age you will be this year it will equal 111? Yupp, that is true for everyone, but only this year.

Mangos are overrated. I like mango flavor in smoothies and stuff, but the fruit itself is highly overrated. However, that could be cuz I don't know how to tell if they are ripe.

Today I was semi productive and cleaned half my kitchen. Though considering that my kitchen is roughly the size of a shoebox, that might not be saying much.

I finally found out how to prepare pomegranate seeds before eating them and now I love them. And they are so good for you, just filled with antioxidants.

There are a lot of Davids in my family. My Dad is David. My uncle's partner is David, my eldest Midget's bf is David, and my sis-in-law's brother is named David. There are also a lot of Pattis in my family. My real name is Patti (My full name is Patricia-one of these days I'll tell you how I got my name. It's hilarious. I was this close to becoming a Jennifer were it not for my grandma), my grandmother is named Patricia (Pat for short) and my aunt is named Patrice, but we call her Patty Kay. One of my other uncle's ex wife's name is also Patty. I figure if I ever get married I should marry a guy named David, cuz I think it would be funny. (Are you listening, David Tennant?)

And, just for shits and giggles:

Laters!!

Fawk You Friday-Step Back and Watch the Volcano Erupt!

2011-05-27T10:42:00.001-05:00

Once again it is Fawk You Friday. That means I get to bitch and say Fawk You all the people/things that piss me off!! If you have something to get off your chest and you wanna participate, link up with Boobies, Babies & a Blog and My Mad Mind.

On with the show....

Fawk You to Super America who recently stopped carrying Vault soda-the sweet elixir of the Gods. Now there's only one store in my suburb that sells it and I fear that they will soon discontinue it too.

Fawk You to my cat Meadow who eats so fast that she pukes everywhere every time she eats. I am so sick of picking up your vomit (And stepping in it. There's nothing worse than cat puke between your toes!) And btw, why the hell are you so fat when you puke so much?

Fawk You to Walmart who stopped selling incense (and a whole lotta other things I used to buy there-if you didn't add so much damn food, you wouldn't have had to get rid of everything) so now I have to order it online and pay for shipping. Since you don't sell anything that I can't buy at Target (whose store is much cleaner, better organized and the employees are much, much friendlier) I just have no reason to shop there anymore.

Fawk You to my house, which steadfastly refuses to clean itself.

Fawk You to the laundry that is constantly reproducing in my closet. I hate you!

Fawk You to my checking account that never seems to have more than $1.50 in it.

Fawk You to my Loser Ex for far too many reasons to list here, but they have a lot to do with his being a self centered asshole who acts as though I should get down on my knees before him and cater to his every whim. Sorry buddy, ain't gonna happen. If I (and my family) give into his selfish expectations and demands, it is for one reason and one reason alone: MY DAUGHTER. Oh, and btw, he expects that my family continually drive her part way to meet him for HIS visitation, yet I don't see his sisters or other family members helping out. (Except for ONE time his father drove to bring her to meet my dad) And, may I remind him that it is HIS visitation and no one else's. I don't care how far away he lives. He was completely absent for 15 years he can just suck it up.

And, last but not least, a giant resounding Fawk You to all the people that tell me I'm going to hell or otherwise shit all over my religion cuz I don't share their religious beliefs. It's your hell, you burn in it!! I have no problem with different religions. I chose Wicca because it works for me, my best friend (for example) chose Christianity cuz it works for her (though she is far more liberal than any other Christian I have ever known). Our friendship works because she doesn't proselytize to me and try to cram her religion down my throat, nor does she lord it over me that she is 'saved' and I am not. Nor does she denounce or otherwise speak ill of my faith (and yes, it is a faith). We can have reasonable discussions about our different faiths without arguing or stooping to 'My God/dess can beat up your God/dess.' I have no problem with reasonable, tolerant people. I have issue with intolerant bigots who cannot accept anyone that does not believe exactly as they believe and spout their ignorant opinions every chance they get. So there!

Wow, do I feel better!! Thanks for reading!

Laters!

My Evil Plan

2011-05-25T20:50:00.000-05:00

So, this is my new favorite site. I played with it and created several Evil Plans, but this one is by far my favorite.

Evil Guide Plan

Congratulations on being the creator of a new Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: world domination.
Your motive is a little bit more complex: sadistic pleasure

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first devour a Pope. This will cause the world to slaughter a sacred calf to appease the gods, terrified by your arrival. Who is this Unholy Menace? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in Classic Black?

Stage Two

Next, you must desecrate the Statue of Liberty. This will all be done from a fake mountain, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will wet their pants, as countless hordes of the religious right hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must send forth your armies of destruction, bringing about an Unending Cacaphony of Screams. Your name shall become synonymous with slaughter, and no man will ever again dare refuse to be your prom date. Everyone will bow before your Mind-Boggling Insanity, and the world will have no choice but to restore your credit rating.

Thanks StumbleUpon for another entertaining but complete useless waste of time!!

Some Random Stuff on a Random Tuesday-Random Tuesday Thoughts Rebel

2011-05-24T07:45:00.000-05:00

Apparently I stepped into a wormhole last Tuesday and popped back out on the other side to today cuz the last week went by so fast I don't recall any of it. I mean, where does the time go and what the hell do I do with it cuz I have nothing to show for it. Though it has been raining a lot which renders me absolutely useless. I really hate fibromyalgia and arthritis.

Anyhoo, today is Random Tuesday Thoughts, so link up with Stacy, our totally awesome rockin' hostess with the mostess and get your own random on! It's a riot! I promise!

*My favorite car is the 1969 Corvette Stingray. When I'm famous I'm so buying one in purple and the license plate is going to say SPACED for Spaced Girl Hero.

*On Sunday morning I watched Alice in Wonderland. It was so awesome!! My favorite line was when Johnny Depp said, "On that day, I shall futterwacken vigorously."

*I can't wait until Source Code comes out on DVD. I'm so buying it.

*Bullet In A Bible by Green Day is so going to be my next musical purchase.

*I'm so psyched for Thor and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I've heard Pirates is so good, despite the fact that Orlando Bloom isn't in it (hottie!).

*Did you know that there are so many people that believe the world is flat that they have their own society? Yupp, it's true, they call themselves The Flat Earth Society.

*I went shopping on Sunday with the gift card my eldest Drunken Midget gave me for Mother's Day. I bought 3 new shirts and new jammies! Booyah for new clothes!!

*After a 'tough weekend' of being 'flabbergasted' that the Rapture did not occur, Harold Camping has spent much time in prayer and is back in the public spotlight and up to his old tricks. Apparently, he was 5 months off this time (after being 17 years off with the whole 1994 fiasco) and the Judgment has been rescheduled for October 21st of this year. The sad part is that people continue to believe him. I'd say they will probably continue handing him their money but most of them have already given him their life savings so there's nothing left to give, though I'm sure that he'll convince new ~~suckers~~ followers to pony up the dough.

*I totally found the best incense ever. I just love it and can't wait to order a ton of it online. It is so fragrant and smells just divine. It's called Gonesh and if you burn incense I highly recommend it.

*Random pic I found on StumbleUpon:

Things that make you go, "Hmmmm..."

*Random quote: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

*Random word of the day: platypus

Laters!

Quivering With Rapture, Writing Mule Puke, Supernatural Hotties, and One Last Dig

2011-05-23T00:02:00.000-05:00

Oh, he so makes me quiver in my nether regions. And note the pentacle necklace, he's Wiccan, like me! We were totally made for each other! *sigh*

Saturday night passed by, sleepless, though I did manage an hour nap mid morning on Sunday. It was a glorious nap too as I dreamed of Sully (I'm a dork, I know) and what a wondrous dream it was. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say that I experienced my own little rapture. All day yesterday I listened to Godsmack and every time I thought of my dream my heart would race and I would grin uncontrollably. (Again, I'm a dork, I know. I'm totally ok with that.) I got it bad, people. But, hey, I've been single for 5 years, I gotta get my ya-yas somehow. Besides, it works out perfectly. He's there when I want him, gone when I don't, and there's totally no risk of heartbreak.

When I wasn't fantasizing about Sully proposing to me onstage in front of thousands of people, whisking me off to a moonlit picnic or whatever, I was writing. Writing! I haven't written anything in like two months. Granted, most of what I wrote was Mule Puke and needs a lot of work, but did I mention I've been writing?!?! *cartwheels*

Speaking of which, those of you who are my Facebook friends will start seeing posts from Jane's Insane Writings on my status updates. That's me. Jane Doe is my nom de plume when I write. I have so many aliases half the time I don't know who the hell I am.

Oh, and for those of you who are not my Facebook friends but want to be (you know you wanna), you can find me here. And if you want to like the fan pages for my blogs here's Stuperhero Extraordinaire and Jane's Insane Writings. If ya do, I'll love ya forever. 8D

So I think I'm gonna give Supernatural a 2nd chance. I stopped watching it cuz it got all Biblical and shit and that totally turned me off. But, my youngest Drunken Midget loves it and keeps telling me how awesome it is so I think I'll give it another go. And, then there's my two main motivations for watching again:

Jensen Ackles, oh yes!

Jared Padalecki, oh my!

Need I say more?

I think that maybe, just possibly, I've been single too long. On second thought, nah. I'm perfectly content to lust after celebrities that will never know I exist. (But Sully shall always and forever be #1) And so what if I go through a fortune in batteries? I'm totally ok with that. Though I'm heartbroken cuz my favorite Jackrabbit is on its last legs and I'm gonna need a new one soon. Those suckers are expensive!

I'm hungry but far too ~~lazy~~ tired to get ~~off my slovenly ass~~ up and cook something. I figure I'll get motivated enough when my stomach starts digesting itself.

And because I just can't resist I have to say this:

Harold Camping: come out, come out wherever you are! I can't wait to hear your excuse for Saturday's non rapture. I heard he's in hiding. Probably cuz of all the people who gave him their life's savings that will be demanding refunds as soon as he shows his face. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him, but again, I just can't resist. Besides, I listened to part of one of his radio shows and he's a total dickmonkey. I'm so evil, I know. But you love me anyway.

Yupp, that's me.

I <3 my evil ways. *grins*

Laters!

Another End of the World Prediction Bites the Dust-In Your Face Harold Camping!

2011-05-21T16:23:00.000-05:00

Well, they day has gone by without nary a tremor anywhere, and no Rapture as near as I can tell, so it seems that we are all safe. Until 2012 anyway. Phew. Though, after spending yesterday afternoon reading about this Camping guy and his beliefs my fear of the end of the world was much diminished. He's a bit of a loonytunes.

Personally, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall of the Camping headquarters when he realized that the Rapture wasn't going to happen. He'll probably just pass it off as another 'mathematical miscalculation' again and set another date like he did when the world didn't end on Sept. 6, 1994 like he predicted. Though I do feel bad for those people that abandoned their families and spent their life savings to go on the road to spread the news of the end. Wait, no I don't.

I love being clean but I loathe having to shower. Can't somebody just coat me in Teflon?

They should find a way to make fabric Teflon. If our clothes were made of Teflon we'd never have to do laundry. That would be so sweet.

Please tell me why my
car is in the front yard and
I'm sleeping with my clothes on.
I came in through the window
last night and you're gone.
Gone.
It's no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy.
Cuz every now and then
I kick the living shit out of me.
Can we forget about the things I said
when I was drunk
I didn't mean to call you that.

Those are some of the lyrics to one of my fave songs. 'My Own Worst Enemy' by Lit.

At the moment I am procrastinating. I know, nothing new right? At least I'm consistent in my avoidance. My kitchen is currently mocking me for my laziness, the laundry is reproducing like bunnies as usual with each succeeding generation smelling exceedingly more noxious than the last, and my room is such a mess it's been declared an official disaster zone by the White House. Don't even get me started on my bathroom. Goddess only knows what's breeding in there.

But, it's cloudy and rainy and that makes me lazy. And sore. And tired.

The other day we went to Half Price books and I bought a few books that look really good. I got Witchcraft an Alternative Path, Goddess in my Pocket and The Real Witches' Handbook. The Real Witches' Handbook is a little rudimentary, but I like some of the Sabbat rituals she has in there.

I keep getting emails from AARP and seniors dating sites. First the lady at Goodwill asked me if I qualified for their senior discount and now this. Again, I' m 38 people! WTF??

I love books. Though I haven't been reading much lately. I started The Eye of the World but I'm having trouble getting into it. I might give up and read The Lost Symbol. I never have trouble getting into Dan Brown's books. But first I'll have to tear myself away from the computer if I ever plan to get any reading done!

Laters!

Apocalypse Anxiety-Don't Judge Me!

2011-05-20T01:55:00.003-05:00

If you can't read this you have been raptured.

Apocalypse 2011Update: Apparently when I heard 6 p.m. that was the time it will be in New Zealand where the first earthquake will supposedly happen. That would be 1 a.m. CST.

I'm skipping Fawk You Friday to bring you this special Apocalypse Post. If I survive the end of the world, I'll be back with all my Fawk You's next week.

Ok, so is everyone ready for the end of the world? I heard that it's ending at 6 p.m. on Saturday. Did everyone else hear 6 too? Just wondering. I wouldn't want to be late for the Apocalypse.

So, I would be a liar, liar, pants on fire if I said I wasn't ~~terrified~~ a little nervous about this whole world ending thing. I mean, if the Rapture does come, I'm very obviously getting 'left behind,' being an evil heathen and all. I could accept Jesus as my savior (again) but I think that would be hypocritical considering that if the world doesn't end I'd go right back to worshiping the Goddess.

Logically speaking, I really don't think it's going to end. I mean, how many times has some religious nutjob predicted the end of the world? Far too many. But, you just never know. Maybe this particular nutjob has a direct line to Jesus, who gave him a friendly heads up.

Billie Joe Armstrong

Zombie Billie Joe Armstrong?

And, as I asked on my other blog in my Pre-Apocalyptic post, will there be zombies? You can read all about my Zombie Apocalypse preparedness there. What are you waiting for? Go on. Read it. I'll wait.

*Jeopardy tune plays softly*

Ok, now that you've done that, back to my Apocalypse anxiety.

Do you know that there is not an actual psychological term for fear of the Apocalypse? From what I've read, fear of death (thanatophobia) is the nearest term there is. Go figure.

My eldest Drunken Midget has inherited my fear of the Apocalypse and I spent part of last night trying to comfort her. She is spending Saturday with her dad, and let me tell you, if the world ends and I don't get to see her beforehand cuz she was with him, I'm so going to haunt his ass. Or if I get turned into a zombie, he will be the first person I eat. There's actually a lot of people I'd like to eat if I ever get turned into a zombie. Like the woman at Goodwill who asked me if I qualify for their senior citizen's discount (WTF?? I'm 38 for fuck's sake!). I really should make a list.

I'll be a child left behind. :(

Anyhoo, so yeah, a little panicked about the Rapture. I used to be a Christian and I've been baptized twice (Once as a baby into the Catholic Church and once as an adult into a born-again Christian church), do you think that will get me raptured despite the fact that I've been a heathen since 2005? I mean don't all those years of 3 hour a day Bible study sessions count for something? (Yes, I used to read my Bible for 3 hours a day. I knew that book inside and out. I also went to Church 3 days a week. I was a fanatic. Don't judge me.)

If the world does end I'm gonna be ~~righteously~~ kinda pissed. I mean, really, I'm only 38 and now I have to live through hell on earth before being jettisoned into hell itself? Can't God at least wait until I'm in my 80s and riddled with dementia so that I have no clue as to what's going on? Work with me here, dude!!

All right, well, I'm outta here for now. Maybe forever. (Unless they have wifi in hell) I'm going to try and be Zen about the whole Apocalypse thing. If it happens, it happens. There's nothing I can do to stop it. And if there's zombies I know I'll fail the #1 Rule of Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness: Cardio. I'm so out of shape I could never outrun a zombie so no matter what happens, I'll pretty much just taste delicious.

Laters!
(I hope)

I Think That's My Brain Oozing Out of My Ears

2011-05-19T10:04:00.001-05:00

Lately I have not been posting as much as usual. Usually I post 6 days a week and now I'm down to about three. This is mostly cuz my brain has been tired and petulantly refusing to come up with ideas. But I've also been depressed, which always pops a giant hole in my creative bubble. My poetry writing has suffered as well and I've only written one poem in the last couple months. It's maddening.

Some day I want to have a house. And in that house I want to have a library. In that library I want to have a secret passage behind the bookshelves with a spiral staircase that leads up to a hidden attic that is all windows. Doesn't that sound cool?

It's been a while since I posted some Anti-Twilight love, so here ya go:

I miss being able to shop at Lakewinds, the natural food store by me. They have such awesome stuff. And their produce lasts for like ever. I still shop there to buy essential oils for spells and bulk herbs for spells and making incense, but that's all I can afford to buy there. It's so expensive. I really miss eating all organic. My body feels toxic. It might be time for some dandelion tea.

My cat, Dakota, is totally crazy for marshmallows. Whenever I grab the bag from the cupboard he goes fucking nuts until I give him some. If I forget and leave the bag out he'll chew through it and eat them until he pukes. What a weird cat.

So, I almost got arrested at Wal Mart the other day. See, I carry a few, ok 20, CDs in my purse to listen to in the car. On my way out of Wal Mart I set off the security thingy. The guy guarding the door (I use the term 'guarding' loosely since he looked to be about 150,000 yo and probably has many fond memories of the cretaceous period) stopped me and all went through my purse and I had to explain that they were my CDs and I didn't steal them. He was dubious at first but luckily they were all pretty beaten up so it was obvious that they weren't stolen. Thank Goddess. I'm too pretty for jail.

A little less tongue please...

And here's a little political comic that I thought was pretty funny.

The other day I brought my car in for an oil change. It cost $50. And that was with a $10 off coupon. WTF? When did oil changes get so damn expensive?

Ok, that's all I could squeeze from my brain today.

Laters!

I Am Random, Therefore I Am-Random Tuesday Thoughts Rebel

2011-05-17T03:52:00.003-05:00

Well slap me twice and call me Sally. Is it really Tuesday again? Already? WTF? Where did the week go? I think I slept through most of it. Seriously, the days I didn't have doctor's appointments I slept until the early afternoon and most nights still went to bed by 9 p.m. The weather has been killing my fibromyalgia and arthritis. Between the pain and the exhaustion I get nothing done. Luckily for me my youngest Midget has been staying with my parents (cuz apparently I'm still the Wicked Witch of the Midwest) and there hasn't been much to do.

So, you know the drill. But if you don't it goes a little something like this. Stacy's. Badge. Random. So what are you waiting for? Oh yeah, you're gonna read this post first. Ok then, let us get on with it.

We are so not amused!

*I've always wanted to talk in the 'Royal We' just for a day to fuck with people. Same thing with talking about myself in the third person.

*A confession: When I first heard the latest Godsmack album The Oracle I didn't care for it. (*gasp* No! Surely not! Raven not liking something by Godsmack? Surely the world is about to come to a violent, fiery end!) But, the more I listened to it the more I liked it and now I love it as much as all their others. Though I'm pissed cuz for some reason my copy doesn't have 'Whiskey Hangover' on it so I had to buy it from iTunes.

*In my last post I mentioned my Midget saying that she really wanted to see penguins having sex. Well, Cinful Cinnamon (I'm sorry I can't find your blog to link to you, it's not on your profile) was kind enough to watch some vids on YouTube of penguins having sex and sent one to me for my Midget. LMAO You so rock, Cinful Cinnamon! My Midget was tickled!.

*Then, of course, after watching the penguins have sex she had to look up other animals and watched giraffes, elephants, and a few others. When watching the elephant one she cried out, "OMG it can move its penis around like its trunk!" She's a strange child, I know. But did you expect any different seeing as how she is the fruit of my womb?

*Today is the Full Moon! Can't you just feel the energy? Hoooooooooowl!!

*I found a new pic of Sully Erna on Google that I don't already have saved on my computer. It totally made my day. :D

Isn't he just the nummiest thing since cheesecake?? *swoons*

*

*heart races* *drools*

.............Ok, now we can move on now that I've had my momentary fill of Sully. *sigh*

*I finally, finally found a lilac scented candle at Michael's craft store. And my besty found me one too, so soon I'll have two. Yay! I love he smell of lilacs. I think I actually even like it more than lavender.

*And here's my apology to the maker of Febreeze candles. Now that my nose has somewhat cleared up I can really smell your candles when I burn them. Sorry for dissing you in my earlier post. Please don't order the Candle Gods to rain fire upon me for it.

*Purple is my fave color. Then after that, black.

*Last night I performed The Rite of Her Sacred Fires in honor of the Goddess Hekate. It was a beautiful, uplifting, energizing ritual that moved me to tears. It felt so good to connect with my spiritual side again.

*My Inner Cheerleading Squad has come down with the insidious illness that has plagued me for so long thus their cheers have quieted and their purple and black pom poms sit idle. As a result my self esteem plummeted to the point where I actually considered hitting the self-help section of the bookstore. But then my Inner Bitch chimed in and told me that that was a stupid idea cuz I'm just so awesome and it was all good.

*Say what?

*Have I mentioned lately how much I enjoy being weird? I enjoy it almost as much as I enjoy being random.

*Eggplant

Is that random enough for ya?

Laters!

P.S. I totally have not been answering comments lately. Don't hate me. I know, I'm so lame. I'll get back on track with it soon, mmkay?

Someone Really Wants to See Penguins Having Sex

2011-05-13T22:07:00.000-05:00

It's been a very...rage-filled few days and I was feeling rather homicidal. My computer was being agonizingly slow, to the point where I could hardly Facebook, blog, reply to comments or read blogs cuz it took anywhere from 5-10 minutes to load each web page. OMG I was soooo homicidal and ready to kill the next person that even breathed in my direction. And Netflix was taking forever to load and then kept stopping during each episode of Doctor Who to reload; I thought I was going to lose my fucking mind. But, I fixed it, cuz I just happen to totally rock. Actually it wasn't my computer it was my internet connection so I fixed that and then I was back in business. But then Blogger was down for a while, so that was a bitch. So, as I am Midgetless all weekend I plan to catch up on my blog reading then.

I don't know what it is, but he really does something for me.

Speaking of Doctor Who, I'm so totally bummed cuz for the 2nd season Christopher Eccleston isn't coming back. I so loved him, he was just awesome. A total riot. So full of energy and enthusiasm. And quite the cutie too. *sigh* I'm gonna miss him. But, I'll persevere cuz it's such a fantabulous show. I haven't seen anything this good since The X-Files. It's my fave show.

So, I discovered something new recently. Evil Hello Kitty and Zombie Hello Kitty. Totally awesome dudes.

She's bad, you know it!

Zombie Hello Kitty rocks!

So yeah, totally loving that!

So my youngest Drunken Midget and I were in the car today and we were talking about penguins. It started out innocently enough as she was telling me how it's the father penguin that keeps the eggs or babies warm and takes care of them. And we joked about how the mama penguin must just sit around hogging the remote with her hand down her pants ordering papa penguin to make her a sandwich. Then, it catapulted into strange and bizarre, not to mention dirty, pretty quickly after that when she asked me where a penguin's penis is. When I said I didn't know she said, 'I really need to see penguins having sex.' LMAO Ok then. Then, she mentioned something about her and her bf having an inside joke about dog porn. Thank Goddess she left it at that cuz I just really didn't want to know. I think I may have warped her more than I intended.

And now I bring you: Excuses to Abuse the People Who are in the Car With You.

Remember that old game, Slug Bug, where you got to slug a person every time you saw a Volkswagon Beetle? Well, they still have that game, but it has improved and expanded. It goes a little something like this, every time you see these cars you get to hit someone:

Banana~ A Yellow Car

Slug Bug~ A Beetle. Hit them twice if it's a Banana Beetle.

Cruiser Bruiser~ PT Cruiser

Cadillac Whack~ Self explanatory

Ford Probe~ You don't get to hit them, but you get to do something even better-give them a Wet Willy!

My Midgets beat the hell out of each other playing this game in the car.

K I'm off to ~~watch some Godsmack vids~~ spend some quality time with Sully.

Laters!

And the Award Goes to...Me!!

2011-05-11T11:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm finally posting on my awards! I received 2! One from Shay at Shay's Word Garden, The Stylish Blogger Award:

And I got an award from allstarme at Incognitus Scriptor, the Versatile Blogger Award:

Thank you both so much!! You are so awesome. And I'm totally not just saying that cuz you gave me an award, you really do rock!!

Since both awards call for me to spill 7 things about myself I'm going to ~~cheat~~ combine them and steal from Shay and spill several categories of 7 things about me. (Shay did 7 categories of 7 things, but I can't think of that many, and, still sick, so...)

General Things About Me

1. I'm terrified of spiders, sharks, and fire. I'm convinced that this has to do with my past lives. I'm pretty sure I was burned as a Witch at some point, and was lost at sea and eaten by a shark in another life. Maybe I was on the Titanic? I mean, fear of sharks? I don't even live by the ocean, so what's that about unless it has something to do with a past life, right? (Just say, 'right.') I mean, I can't even look at a picture of a shark, it freaks me out so much.

2. When I was a wee little lass (back in the Stone Age before iPods, cell phones, and Netflix) I wanted to be a waitress. Then when I hit Jr. High I decided I wanted to be a writer. That's still what I want to be someday when I grow up.

3. I can still remember when I heard my first Godsmack song. Place, season, time of day, what I was doing, everything. I was driving down Prairie Center Drive one afternoon in late Spring/early Summer and I was listening to 93X on the radio and I heard 'Re-Align.' I was instantly in love.

4. I loathe the taste of tomatoes but if I order food sans tomatoes I miss the color. Food just looks so bland without them.

5. I can read Tarot cards (don't ask me for a reading, I haven't improved enough to read for others yet). Granted, it's a pretty easy skill that anybody can pick up, but not everybody does, so I thought I'd add it. I actually have several divination tools, including a Rider-Waite deck, a Zen deck, Runes, a Goddess Oracle (it uses these colored dice and cards), a rose quartz crystal pendulum, and a couple more I can't recall at the moment.

Excuse me whilst I momentarily meander onto a related tangent: Contrary to popular belief Tarot cards don't necessarily predict a fixed and fated future, for there really is no such thing. Our choices and actions are constantly shaping our future. But, the cards can offer wisdom as to the path you are on and where it will lead you, etc.

6. My fave foods are Thai, Chinese, Italian and Mexican. I like some Indian (Chicken Shahi Korma and naan bread) but not a lot.

7. Romantic movies make me vomit in my mouth a little. If people don't get shot or some shit don't get blown up I have no time for it.

My 7 Favorite Bands:

1. Godsmack (of course)

2. Green Day

3. Mudvayne

4. The Red Hot Chili Peppers

5. Static-X

6. Marilyn Manson

7. Rob Zombie

My 7 Favorite Authors

1. Kim Harrison

2. Dorothy Parker

3. Jack Kornfield (an American Buddhist author)

4. The Dalia Lama

5. Margaret Atwood

6. Silver RavenWolf (she writes books on Witchcraft)

7. Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman

7 Things for Which I'm Grateful

1. My children

2. My friends and family

3. My bloggy friends-you rock!

4. My iPod-I'd die without it!!

5. My Netbook-ditto

6. My car

7. Rainy days and summer thunderstorms

Now I'm supposed to gift these awards to other people, but ~~I'm tired and lazy~~ I always have such a hard time picking people, so if you read my blog, consider yourself gifted if you so choose!! You are all worthy of an award!!

Laters!

Knowledge is Power. Don't Ya Wanna Feel Powerful??*

2011-05-10T00:21:00.000-05:00

Rah! Rah! Rah! Three cheers for Random Tuesday Thoughts! And three more for Stacy, our gracious host! Rah! Rah! Rah! *wildly waves purple and black pom poms while doing cartwheels* Ok, so I'm not doing cartwheels since I'm (still) sick and my pom pom waves are a little half-hearted, but the sentiment is there.

So, you know the drill: Stacy's. Badge. Random. But only after you read this post or I'll cough and sneeze all over you and you'll be sick for 2 weeks.

*So yeah, I think I need stronger antibiotics. *cough* *wheeze*

*I am so sick of buying scented candles that don't smell when you burn them. The Air Wick ones suck. So do the Febreeze ones. Of course, I can't smell much of anything right now so you might want to check back after I'm better when I possibly issue apologies to the companies that make those candles.

*I hate it that, even though I'm sick, my Drunken Midget still expects me to do everything for her, including driving her all over creation. And back again.

*It really tickled my titties the other day when my Midget was on the phone with her 'father' and she was all talking to him like he was an idiot (which he is, but still) and in my head I was singing, "Hallelujah! Welcome to my world!" I guess the honeymoon is over. LMAO

*Speaking of singing: I can't carry a tune. Not even if it's velcroed to my left hip. When I sing people and animals from miles around run screaming with blood streaming from their ears. Not that that stops me. I still sing. Frequently. And loudly. And I often make up my own lyrics.

*So when my youngest Midget gives me a dirty look she calls it her 'Dagger Eyes' cuz she's throwing daggers at me with her eyes, apparently.

*Someday I will be famous...unfortunately it will probably be after I die. Or commit some heinous crime that I won't even allude to here lest it give any prosecutor future evidence to use against me in the trial.

*I think there's a duck in my chest. And it's dying a horrendous and painful death.

*Recently I signed up for Netflix again, but just the cheap one where you only get it streaming on your computer. That's ok though. I love it. I'm now addicted to Doctor Who. I love that show!!! And Dead Like Me is pretty damn good too. Thank you to whoever recommended that. (Sorry I don't remember who that was.)

*And, I haven't forgotten about my awards, forgive me for not posting on them yet but I've just been feeling so shitty. I'm hoping to get to them this week sometime. Thanks again!

*Today's title brought to you by 'Psych'

The Plague That Would Not Die

2011-05-07T18:49:00.001-05:00

Yes, I'm still alive. No, I'm not better yet. I felt a little better after starting the antibiotics but that was it. I'm still mostly stuck in bed (except for driving the Drunken Midget around) and I'm still behind on everything, including my blog reading. I feel so out of the loop! But I just can't concentrate right now. I'm going to try to read a few in a minute here, but I can't promise anything. So, if everyone could just stop posting until I recover that would be great, mmmkay?

And, since I have nothing else entertaining to offer, here's some funny shit I found on the internet. Don't ask me where, cuz I don't know, they've been on my puter forever.

And with that, I'm outta here!

Laters!

A Quick Update

2011-05-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

I'm still sick, though no longer at death's door since I started the antibiotics yesterday. I'm hoping to be back to posting and reading this weekend at the latest. Thanks for all the well-wishes! I've so missed you all and can't wait to catch up!

Until then, here's a new song I discovered that totally fits my week cuz I haven't done a damn thing.

*hugs*

Raven

Clawing My Way Out of Bed Just to Get Down With the Randomization-Random Tuesday Thoughts

2011-05-03T00:18:00.000-05:00

Is it really Tuesday again? Already? Has Keely really been on hiatus for 6 weeks? It seems like just yesterday. But then, so does 1991. With every passing year time seems to fly by that much more quickly.

Anyhoo, Stacy is our reigning Queen of Randomness (and she's doing a smashing job), until Keely rises up to wrestle the crown away from her (though I don't think Stacy will put up much of a fight.) So, head over to Stacy's, read her blog, comment, grab a badge, and randomize yourself already!

*Once again I'm so behind on my blog reading. I'm sorry everyone! I've been ~~dying of the plague~~ so sick. But I'm hoping to catch up with you all today.

*Scented candles+NyQuil+Green Day=Bliss

*Has everybody in the Twin Cities area with a driver's license been drinking Stupid Juice?

*If you don't laugh your balls off at this either A) You don't have balls or 2) You have no sense of humor.

*The damn parakeet just laid another egg. When is she going to learn that unless she gets laid they won't hatch?

*Wendy's has new french fries. With sea salt. They are luscious potato-y goodness. So much better than their old, soggy, nasty-ass french fries.

*On an atheist's tombstone: All dressed up and nowhere to go.

*My 15 yo Midget at dinner on Friday: This steak is an orgasm in my mouth!

*Why is it so hard to find black candles? What, black candles=Satan?

*Also, I cannot find lilac-scented candles anywhere. WTF?

*Written on the back of a truck for Closure Construction: We may not be the best, but we're the most expensive.

*You know insomnia has beaten you bloody with a brick when not even NyQuil knocks you out.

*And, on a serious note: Why are people celebrating? Has the 'war on terror' suddenly ended? Are we pulling our troops out of Afghanistan? Did we pull them out of Iraq after we got Saddam? When there is peace, I will rejoice.

Laters!

Death Lurks Beyond the Horizon-Or Something Like That

2011-05-01T08:58:00.000-05:00

*cough* *hack* *wheeze* *gasp* *gurgle* *COUGH* *gag* *furball*

OMG I'm so dying. Ok, I'm not, but it feels like I am. I either have an ear infection, bronchitis, a sinus infection, strep throat, or all of the above. I'll hopefully be back soon with a better post. If I don't die first. (overdramatic much?)

There Will Be No Gratuitous Use of Words Such as 'Vagina' and 'Penis' in This Post

2011-04-29T08:46:00.001-05:00

Today is going to be a busy, busy day and I'm feeling the time crunch. There's just not enough hours in the day some days. There's my usual blogging and Facebooking that must be done (which is enjoyable, so that's not so bad), then on top of that my Drunken Midget has an appointment this morning 3 cities over, so I'll be driving all over creation. Then there's the cleaning and laundry (which most likely won't get done yet again) and misc. other crap that has to be done. I'm feeling very overwhelmed.

And before you ask, no, I did not watch the royal wedding. I've never been interested in that kind of thing. People were talking about this most recent one for months before I realized they were talking about a royal wedding. My Neighbor from Hell, however, got up at 3:30 a.m. to watch it. Apparently she thought the wedding dress (I don't even know the bride's name, that's how out of the loop I am) was ferociously fugly. She raged about it for good 20 minutes. I saw a pic of it on MSN and I didn't think it was that bad, but whatev.

I'm really hoping that tomorrow I'll have the time to post on my award from Shay. I keep meaning to and then I have so much to say and my posts get so long and all that. So tomorrow.

And, as you all know (and if you don't, you should by now) today is Fawk You Friday! Hosted by Boobies, Babies & a Blog and My Mad Mind. Stop by, check them out, grab a badge and then get on with the ranting!!

Fawk You to the asshat who came to a complete stop at every green light this morning. WTF? Are you color blind?

A ginormous, resounding Fawk You to my Neighbor from Hell who was pounding on my door when I returned from dropping my Drunken Midget at school. Not only did she want me to take her to the store to get smokes (again) she wanted me to drive her around for 15 minutes so she could smoke some. Like I don't have anything better to do. I really need to learn to say Fawk You to her face.

Fawk You to my car that needs an oil change that I can't afford.

Fawk You (again) to the oil companies that made a whopping $18 BILLION in profits the first 3 months of this year. Meanwhile I'm living on spaghettios and ramen just so I can afford to put gas in my car. You fucking bastards.

And Fawk You to the Republicans who insist on giving the oil companies $4.2 BILLION in annual subsidies.You suck giant donkey balls.

I've posted this vid before but I'm posting it again cuz it just seems appropriate.

Ok, I'm off to do my Facebooking, consume massive amounts of coffee, smoke, and get the rest of my day going.

Laters!

Once Again Insomnia has Made Me its Bitch. The Coffee is Getting Me Through it Though.

2011-04-28T02:35:00.002-05:00

Ok, first off, I just have to say that I have this killer sinus headache that is making my right eye throb and my teeth ache. Like, just got your braces tightened kinda ache. Anyone remember that pain from adolescence?

Anyhoo. So, I'm trying to sleep the other night (not tonight though cuz insomnia has once again made me its bitch) and my cats decided they both want to sleep with me. Usually that's no problem, Meadow sleeps by my feet, Dakota sleeps by my head and everyone is happy. Well this night they both decided they wanted to sleep on my head. And before I could shoo them away so I could breathe a ~~hockey game~~ fight broke out and I almost lost an eye. And I just can't figure it out cuz Meadow always kicks Dakota's ass, yet he's the one with the claws. What a wussy.

And, since I'm on the subject of cats (Again, I know. Pretty soon people are going to start calling me the Crazy Cat Lady) why is it that both my cats love to eat my headphones? And I buy the expensive, Skullcandy headphones. At about $20 a pop that's a bit too expensive to be a chew toy.

I <3 my iPod Video. There's almost 3,000 songs and over 50 videos on it and there's still something like 50 GB of storage left. When I die I want to be buried with it. If I'm not made into a diamond, that is. Stick the earbuds in my ears, set it to repeat on my Godsmack playlist, crank it up, and drop me in the ground. I wanna rock my way into the next life and I'm takin' Sully with me.

I've always identified with and been attracted to the freaks, rebels, and misfits. Probably cuz I'm all of the above. Normalcy (Normality? Whatever.) is so mind-numbingly boring. I really don't know how normal people get through the day without bludgeoning themselves to death with a sledgehammer. Seriously. Granted, defining 'normal' is a tricky proposition and it means something different to everyone, but... I forgot my point. Damn. Well, if it comes back to me I'll let you know.

So my besty has a son who just turned 5. A year (or 2?) ago he was listening to his Dad's MP3 player, rockin' out to Rob Zombie. Then, all of a sudden he started crying and threw the player across the room. My besty listened to it and found out what upset him so. It was playing country. LMFAO

Ok, my right nostril just went numb. That's how bad this headache is. Damn.

An old friend of mine just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Sweet!! It's funny cuz we were really close for years and hung out all the time cuz we lived in the same apartment building, and then we drifted apart but years later our parents ended up moving into the same townhouse complex and now they live across the street from each other. I ran into her there once but we only chatted for a few minutes. I'm so glad she sent me that request!

And, last but not least, I used a few of my precious dollars and bought some vids on iTunes. I bought me some White Zombie, Powerman 5000, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Green Day and Static-X. I'm a happy camper!

K, I'm outta here!

Laters!

Procrastinating for Fun and Profit

2011-04-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

Right now I should be cleaning. My kitchen has revolted yet again (though it's much cleaner than the one pictured above) and the laundry is reproducing as I type this. Humping like fucking bunnies, it is. (Well, at least somebody in this house is gettin' some.) *sigh* As you have probably noticed, however, I am not cleaning. I'm procrastinating. This weather is kicking my ass. All the rain and cold (and snow to come-damn it) is kicking my fibromyalgia into overdrive and I'm exhausted and sore and completely unmotivated. Must.have.more.coffee.

Have I mentioned how thrilled I am that I found my Green Day CDs? Cuz I am totally tickled. I loooove Green Day. Last night I had a couple errands to run, thanks to my besty who gave me money to get what I needed to get-you rock girl-and I totally blared Green Day as I drove and sang along as enthusiastically as humanly possible and got all kinds of weird looks from other drivers. I really get excited about my music and probably look like a total dork but I'm totally ok with that. I gotta have my music.

Speaking of music, I love this vid by The Red Hot Chili Peppers, mainly cuz I like to watch Anthony rub his stuff. :P

Sometime between now and Sunday I plan to post on the award I got from Shay over at Shay's Word Garden, so look for that.

Once again I am so behind on my blog reading. I know, I know, hog tie me, flog me, dip me in honey and toss me onto a fire ant hill. I deserve it. I'm hoping to catch up sometime today but I have ~~a lot of procrastinating to do~~ a therapy appointment ~~then more procrastinating~~ and I have to clean my kitchen at some point in time. I'm out of clean dishes. I thought about eating with my hands right out of the pot I cook in, but after much deliberation discarded that idea. It was tempting though. Did I happen to mention that I'm very unmotivated?

So yeah.

My Drunken Midget has decided that she's going to take the bus to and from school from now on. Hallelujah! She's been staying with my parents and I've spent a fortune in gas to drive across town and back twice a day to bring her to and from school. Not to mention that having to leave the house by 6:30 a.m. sucks giant monkey balls.

Well, I'm just too tired to think of more, so I'm outta here.

Laters!

Totally Tickled about Rampant Randomness-Random Tuesday Thoughts

2011-04-26T02:40:00.000-05:00

Ah yes. I awoke today to find that it is Tuesday. (Or I would have had I actually slept last night.) Funny how that happens. And Tuesday, of course, temporarily belongs to Stacy in all her Random Awesomeness, as she is filling in for Keely, who is on hiatus. So, stop by her place, read her random, leave a comment, grab a badge, and get down with your random self. Go for it, it's fun!! If it weren't for Random Tuesday Thoughts I'd spend my Tuesdays curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, drooling and muttering incoherently. So yeah.

*I got my latest (3rd) tattoo in February (need to find my camera so I can post a pic) and I'm already itchin' for my next one, which I'm hoping to get either in July for my birthday or with my renter's rebate in August. I'm going to get an ankh on my inner forearm:

Tattoos are sooooo addictive!

*Coffee=Liquid happiness

*Due to a few strange circumstances I think my Loser Ex might be reading my blog. If so, CEASE AND DESIST IMMEDIATELY! My life is NONE of your business!! I hate the thought of having to censor myself. I want to be able to let it all hang out. So, GO AWAY!

I wanna do jello shots off those abs!

*Did you know that Brenden Fraser (Who used to be a total hottie-have you seen George of the Jungle? Watch the scene where he comes out of the shower in super slow motion. WOW!!) almost died when filming The Mummy? It happens during the part in the beginning where he is in the prison and gets hung. For some reason the fail-safe on the noose failed (go figure) and he was really hung. He almost quit the movie after that but decided to persevere. He won't talk about it at all. Talk show hosts have asked him about it and he refuses to say anything about it.

*We had a wonderful Easter. I got to see my nephews. Yay! (Everyone else is chopped liver compared to them-sorry guys!) My youngest nephew-he's almost 2-still won't come near me, but this time he smiled at me a lot (as opposed to screaming bloody murder) and I made funny faces at him, which he would copy then laugh. And I got to play Transformers with my older nephew-who's almost 4-most of the day. That was fun! I just love them to pieces. But not literally, cuz that would just be disturbing.

*I finally cleaned off my altar, which I haven't touched since Yule. No wonder I've been so damn depressed. I really have to start doing some kind of spiritual daily ritual, like meditating and burning a white candle, or something. And I want to do something for Beltane, which is on Saturday or Sunday depending on whom you talk to. Anyway, my altar is all clean now and I put away the extra stuff I only use for rituals and it's just all awesomeness now.

*Oh, and I won! Two things! Well, 3. At Our Loonyverse I won a T-shirt designed by Mike from Linkin Park for the Japan aid and a bracelet designed by Lady Gaga! Yay!!! And I won an award over at Shay's Word Garden, the Seven Things Award, which I will be posting about soon.

And back in March I won that CSN stores gift thingy from Beth at Living a Goddess Life, with which I'm going to purchase a coffee grinder. I have to do that soon or it will expire.

I'm a WINNER! Charlie Sheen ain't got nothin' on me, baby!! Muahahahahaha

*These are clips from my very fave movie when I was a teenager, Real Genius. I must have watched it over 100 times. I knew most of it by heart and could quote just about every line in the movie. It was hilarious, and Val Kilmer was sooo fucking HOT!! I don't normally do blonds, but oh my!

*I found my Green Day CDs!! Woot! Woot! My Midget didn't lose them after all (Oops-my bad) I forgot that when we were cleaning we put the ones that wouldn't fit in the glass doors of the entertainment center into the bottom part of it where it isn't glass and I never go in there cuz there's usually just video games in there. Now I just have to find The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy DVD and the 2nd season of 'The Big Bang Theory.'

*And I leave you with this random pic that I found on StumbleUpon:

I decided this can't be true cuz if it were my night would have been a lot more interesting.

Laters!

How to Make Your Own Incense and My Personal Weekend Update

2011-04-24T12:15:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter to those who celebrate it! Personally, I'm looking forward to Beltane next weekend, though I'm not sure how I'm going to celebrate it yet.

Yesterday I made 2 batches of incense: Cleansing/Purification (rosemary, sage, thyme) and Happiness (basil, cloves, marjoram, rosemary*). I <3 happiness incense. The smell is just divine and always lifts my spirits. Cleansing/Purification smells good too and it's great for ridding a house of all that built up negative energy that brings everybody down. I love making incense. It relaxes me. Something about the smell of the herbs and grinding them and all that.

It's really easy to make too. All you need are the herbs you want to use, a mortar and pestle and either sawdust or those little charcoal discs. Not the kind you use in an outdoor grill, the fumes from those will kill you. But you can buy discs online specifically for burning incense.

So all you do is take the herbs/spices you want to use, grind them to a powder, or as close as you can get, one at a time with a mortar and pestle. While you're doing that, think of your intent. If it's happiness then think happy thoughts, if it's money, imagine your bills being paid or whatever. You can even make up a little rhyme to chant while you do it. When I make money incense (allspice, cloves, cinnamon*) I chant, "Lift me out of poverty, money, money come to me." Then mix the herbs with some sawdust and light or sprinkle on a lit charcoal disc. That's all there is to it. It's fun experimenting with the different herbs. And if you want to know the magickal intent of herbs check out a book like Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs.

Of course, if you don't want to use the incense for magickal reasons, you can just make some that smells good.

Last night I watched Static-X Cannibal Killers Live and it was pretty awesome. They put on a great light show. (though a couple times I thought I was gonna have a seizure) I love to watch Wayne Static dance. The only thing the show was lacking was fire. Lots of fire.

Come on Wayne, how tall is it?

And for the record, I still want to measure his hair. I tried Googling to see how tall it is but Google didn't have that info. I know, right? The world must be coming to an end.

So I walk out into the living room last night to use whichever computer my Drunken Midget wasn't using and wouldn't you know she was using them BOTH at the same time? She was Skyping with her bf on my netbook while simultaneously playing a game on the PC. WTF?

Then, when I pointed out to her that our coffee maker sounds like whales mating she fell to the floor and literally rolled with laughter she thought it was so funny. Then she bumped into the hokey and the handle fell on her head and it was my turn to LMAO, cuz I'm evil like that.

It was a fun night. We were both in a good mood for once and much laughter ensued.

Have an awesome Sunday!

Laters!

*These are my personal creations, please do not share them without giving me proper credit.

Warning: Your Pickles May or May Not Contain Rats or Rat Parts

2011-04-22T12:29:00.000-05:00

So, I mentioned yesterday that I've been craving pickles. But not Rat Pickles. What are Rat Pickles, you ask? Well, those are the pickles that you buy on the shelf at the grocery store that aren't refrigerated. And why do I call them Rat Pickles? Because when they make them they do it in these big open vats and all kinds of nasty stuff falls into the pickle mix, including rats. The refrigerated pickles, however, are processed in closed vats, thus no rats.

So only non Rat Pickles for me.

My echocardiogram went well yesterday, though I haven't heard back on the results yet. It was funny though (not funny haha but the other kinda funny) cuz I had to repeatedly take a deep breath and hold it while the lady did her thing and a couple of times she forgot to tell me I could breathe again. I thought I was gonna pass out.

I'm currently listening to Mozart's Violin Concerto NO. 5 in A Major K 219 Allegro Aperto. Wow, that's a mouthful. Errr handful. It is very soothing and I like it. Yes, it's a drastic change from my usual head-bang-till-you-get-a-migraine-metal kinda music, I know. But, I do like all kinds of music. I'm like ~~Shrek~~ an onion: I have many layers. But I generally do smell better than an onion. Or an ogre. Not always though. Some days I'm all, "What the hell is that smell?" and then I go, "Oh, it's me. Just kidding."

Lovely, I know.

I finally, finally finished The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books. Yay! You have no idea how thrilled I am about that. I didn't think I was every gonna finish those damn books. I have a few more books my Douglas Adams, but I'm going to save them for the future cuz I'm just so done with him for now. So I started reading Robert Jordon's The Eye of the World which is Book #1 in The Wheel of Time series. I'm only a couple of chapters into it, but so far so good.

And, as you may or may not know, today is Fawk You Friday! It's the day I get to say Fawk You to all the people/things that piss me off.

Link up with Boobies, Babies & A Blog and My Mad Mind, grab the badge, and let the attitude loose!

Fawk You to my Loser Ex who refuses to communicate with me directly so I must rely on my Drunken Midget for information, which causes no end of miscommunication. Grow up already. Be a man! I know it's hard for you on account of the little shriveled up walnut testicles you have, but suck it up! As my besty's husband would say, man up! It's not going to kill you to keep in email contact with me so I know what's going on.

Fawk You to ~~my Drunken Midget~~ the gremlins that keep taking off with my stuff. First it was The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie, then season 2 of 'The Big Bang Theory,' and now it's two of my favorite Green Day CDs, American Idiot and 21st Century Breakdown. I can't afford to keep replacing them cuz ~~she~~ they keep losing them!

Fawk You to creative barrenness that has sucked all the inspiration from my body leaving me an empty shell with no blog ideas.

And on that note, I'm outta here.

Laters!

What is With the Lame Titles Lately?

2011-04-21T11:17:00.000-05:00

Today I go in for my echocardiogram and to have a Holter monitor (heart monitor thingy) fitted, so I get to walk around for the next few days looking like a science experiment with a ton of electrodes and wires affixed to my torso. It kinda looks like I'm trying to jump-start myself.

Once I had a friend who loved pickles dipped in maple syrup. I thought that was a weird combo. I tried it once, but it didn't excite my palate so much as repulse it.

Lately I've been craving pickles. But not with maple syrup.

And no, I'm not pregnant. Not unless immaculate conception has made a comeback. Of course, even if it had, I'm fairly certain that I wouldn't qualify as a holy vessel.

So, a few days ago I pulled a muscle in my back, which is killing me. I'd love to say I did it doing something doing something strenuous like yoga or skydiving or something, but no, I did it bending down to grab something out of the fridge. I bent down, something went 'pop' and I couldn't stand up straight for 3 hours. At least now I can stand up straight and walk even, but it's still excruciatingly painful. And all for a bun for my Lloyd's BBQ.

My cat, Dakota, loves to eat birdseed, mouse food, rat food pellets etc. Right now he's digging in the garbage trying to get at the remains of the bird seed I dumped in there after feeding the parakeet.

He's a strange cat.

My other cat, Meadow, is also very strange. She likes to lie on books and papers and stuff like that. It looks really uncomfortable when I see her half on, half off a book, but she seems to like it. Right now she's on the dining room table sitting on the pile of mail I've been ignoring for a week. For the record, I don't allow cats on my dining room table, but she seems to think that rule doesn't apply to her.

That's really all I have today. The bloggy idea bin in my head is empty.

Laters!

You Call This a Title??

2011-04-20T09:42:00.000-05:00

Last night the weatherman 'took back' the winter storm warning and said we wouldn't be getting any snow after all. Imagine my surprise when I woke up to...wait for it...snow!! And it's still snowing furiously. In April. The 20th of April to be exact. Welcome to Minnesota!

So, I was a little disgusted with the weatherman this morning. Not cuz it snowed, he can't help the weather, but because he, once again, got the forecast wrong. Why do they even bother to pretend they know what they are talking about anymore? And why bother to insist that predicting the weather is a science? It's not a science. It's not even a pseudo-science. It's a 'this is our best guess that we are going to pass off as science to justify the billions of dollars in weather predicting equipment that we bought.' I can predict the weather better than they can based on the amount of pain I feel and where.

But, it's ok cuz it's supposed to be 44 degrees today so the snow won't last long. And by Sunday it's supposed to be in the 60s. Hopefully this will be our last snow of the year, though I do realize that this is the 3rd time I've said that this spring.

Thanks to Miss Angie @ My So-Called Chaos, I've been tagged! The tag is called 'Four Things' and I'm supposed to answer these questions:

Four Places I Go:

I don't leave my house much, but when I do manage to drag myself out, these are the places I go...

1. Half Price Books~ It's like my 2nd home. I'm there at least 3 times a month. I love it cuz even when I'm broke I can still shop the clearance section and find something good.

2. My Parent's House~ My parents live in the same suburb as we do so we visit them frequently.

3. Target~ Where I buy pretty much everything I need.

4. Bakers Square~ My eldest Midget is a server there so we not only get to see her when we eat out but we get a 30% discount! Booyah!

Four Smells that I Love

1. Lavender~ My absolute favorite scent. Mix it with a little sage and you have my favorite incense.

2. Aveda Foot Relief~ I love the smell of this lotion. It has peppermint, rosemary, lavender, and all kinds of other stuff in it. It's so awesome!

3. Estee Lauder Pleasures Intense Perfume~ My parents bought me some for Christmas and I love it. It's my favorite perfume.

4. Fresh rain~ There's nothing like the scent of a good rainstorm.

Four Favorite TV Shows

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

2. Angel

3. Psych

4. Burn Notice

5. The Big Bang Theory~ Ok, so 5 is more than 4 but I was using New Math for this one which means that after you carry the one you add 6 and subtract four then divide by 2 and end up with 5 instead of 4.

Four Favorite Movies

1. Snatch

2. Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels

3. Garden State

4. The Transporter movies

Four Recommendations

1. StumbleUpon~ Browse websites custom-picked according to your interests. So addictive!!

2. Failbook~ Funny Facebook statuses by people who epically fail.

3. Damn You Auto Correct!~ The auto correct on your phone is a sick, dirty bastard. It's also hilarious!

4. Cyanide & Happiness~ One of my fave cartoons!

Four People Who Should Tell Us Their Fours

1. My Own Brand of Crazy

2. Our Loonyverse

3. The Testosterone Three and Me

4. Recommended Daily Dose

And I leave you with this little tidbit that I found on StumbleUpon...

Laters!

Randomly Random on a Random Tuesday-Random Tuesday Thoughts

2011-04-19T07:48:00.000-05:00

Oh yes, it is that time once again-time for Random Tuesday Thoughts courtesy of our new Queen of Randomness, Stacy! So after you read this post, head over to Stacy's blog, grab the badge, and get your random on!! Go ahead, I dare ya!

*My mind is a gaping, vacuous pit of nothingness today, so if my randomness is kinda lame, I apologize in advance.

*There's a winter storm warning in effect for tonight and tomorrow morning. What the hell happened to Spring?

*The Magnolia and Cherry Blossoms Air Wick oil warmer is scentfully delicious!

*My cat, Meadow, decided that 3:00 a.m. was play time and batted me in the head repeatedly until I woke up. She wasn't real happy when I pushed her off the bed and went back to sleep. In fact, I think she was rather offended as when I did finally crawl out of bed and stumble towards the coffee maker, she ran right into my feet and tripped me.

*I've been trying to finish the last book of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, Mostly Harmless, but every time I sit down to read I fall asleep within 3 paragraphs.

*I also have three other books by Douglas Adams I want to read. The Long, Dark, Tea-time of the Soul, The Salmon of Doubt, and one more I can't recall.

*I am so very excited to have a fridge full of groceries. Yay for food!

*Beltane is coming up. I want to do something for it, though I'm not sure what yet. Sometimes I wish I belonged to a Coven, as opposed to being a Solitary Witch, cuz it would be so fun to get together with my fellow Witches for a big bonfire with drumming, chanting and feasting.

*If I were ever to move again, I think I'd move to Wisconsin to be with all the other Pagans. There's a huge community of us out there.

*Last night I had me some Lloyd's BBQ. That was nummyliciousness on a bun!

*Today I need to clean. My house is getting a bit messy and I want to stay on top of it so it doesn't get destroyed again.

Well, that's all I got for today.

Lameness, I know. I'm just feeling off lately.

Laters!

You Call a Help Line and They Find You Dead? That's Not Very Helpful!*

2011-04-18T07:49:00.001-05:00

Wow, this weekend flew by at the speed of light and left me spinning in its wake. Now I'm all dizzy and twirling and trying to deal with the fact that it's Monday again and this is going to be a busy, busy week.

It was a rather quiet weekend, which was nice. We didn't do a whole lot and I spent most of it ~~in deep contemplation~~ being lazy, though I did get some cleaning and grocery shopping done. Now we have a fridge full of fruits and veggies etc.

My Midget has been having trouble at school with her group of 'friends' and most of them have turned on her like a pack of rabid hyenas (teenagers suck-they are so vicious) so she's been down and depressed about that. But then Saturday night she had a friend over that she used to hang out with but they had drifted apart. They sat up all night giggling and having fun. It was so good to hear her laughing and happy and having fun again. It more than made up for the fact that she kept waking me up in the middle of the night to ask me things like, "What street does my bf live on?"

My coffee maker is very strange. It makes these weird noises like whales mating when it brews.

It's tax day! Have you ~~bitch slapped your accountant~~ finished your taxes?

And just for fun, here's a quiz I took from Blogthings.

You Are Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody.

In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think.

And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends.

You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that.

What Color Purple Are You?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

I'm very excited cuz all my fave tv shows come out on DVD this summer. In July, about a week before my bday 'Psych' season 5 comes out. Then about 2 weeks or so after that season 4 of 'Burn Notice' makes its debut. Then, at the end of August/beginning of September 'The Big Bang Theory' comes out. Yay!

Just heard that there's a winter storm watch out for Minnesota for tomorrow and Wednesday. In April. Almost the end of April. WTF Mother Nature?

Laters!

*Today's title brought to you by Psych.

Serenading the Voices in My Head With Little Blue People

2011-04-15T08:38:00.000-05:00

You can't hear it, only the voices in my head can hear it, but right now, in my mind I'm humming the 'Smurfs' theme song. Yupp. I'm in a ~~good~~ ~~great~~ fantabulous mood and I haven't even had my coffee yet. It's a mirable!!

Yesterday was the day from hell. But not the 7th Circle of Hell, more like the 3rd. It wasn't like 'Just kill me now!' dismal, but it was stressful. But, it's over now, today is a new day and even though the sun isn't shining, I like rainy, cloudy days too so it's all gravy.

Went to see my family doc yesterday. Apparently my diabetes is out of control, my heart rate and blood pressure are out of control, my allergies are out control, and so on and so forth. So she added a 2nd blood pressure medication, (just what I need more meds) and gave me a nasal spray for my allergies, and increased my glipiside (for high blood sugar). Then I get to go in for a ton more appointments: an echocardiogram, to have a heart monitor put on, to see the diabetes guy again etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum. So yeah. That was fun.

Then I drove all over town some more and did some more annoying things that I won't share cuz they were, well, annoying.

I did, however, get a chance to watch some UFC at my rent's house for a while after they left for the cabin. Nothing makes me feel better than watching grown men kick the living shit out of each other. Well, music does, but you get the idea.

Oh yes, it's Fawk You Friday!! Yay! Woot! Woot! Check out Boobies, Babies & a Blog and My Mad Mind to link up, and just cuz they are awesome blogs!

Fawk You diabetes. You suck. Nuff said.

Fawk You to having no TV. I miss 'House' and 'Bones' and all my other fave shows. Not Reality TV though. That's the 4th Horseman of the Apocalypse and should be eradicated before it causes the decay and degradation of life as we know it. (too late)

Fawk You bipolar, you who makes my moods so violently unpredictable and makes it so I can't even stand to be around myself.

Fawk You Bloggy Mojo for disappearing on me which totally resulted in a drastic reduction in the number of comments I've been receiving.

Fawk You to me, myself, and I for being so ~~crabby~~ busy I haven't been able to respond to all my comments. I did work on one post today, and will be finishing up answering the rest when I ~~get done here~~ get off the phone with my besty.

And, to leave this post on an upswing, I just checked my bank account to find out my balance and there was waaaay too much money in it cuz my besty transferred me $100! I am the luckiest person on the planet to have such an awesome besty! Of course, she says she has a vested interest in me paying my phone bill cuz if they disconnect my phone she'd be up shit creek without a paddle cuz it's the only way we communicate since she lives so far away.

Laters!

Not Much of a Title, Is It?

2011-04-14T12:04:00.000-05:00

Originally my intention was to blog early this morning but then I ended up talking to my besty on the phone for 3 1/2 hours. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining cuz when she called me I had been crying all morning and now, after just hanging up with her, I'm in a great mood and all smiles. Oh, my troubles didn't all magickally disappear; I still only have $20 to live on till next Thursday, the phone bill still isn't paid, my internet is still on the verge of being shut off, and I'm still completely overwhelmed by life in general, but somehow, after talking to her it all just seems less important somehow. Thank Goddess for bestys, or I'd probably be in prison right now.

Yesterday's appointments went very well. Long and grueling but well. My psychiatrist decided to wean me off some of my meds cuz I'm on enough to kill a large rhinoceros and they obviously aren't working so she figures we can get rid of some and if we need to we can try something different. So we'll see how that goes.

My Midget's appointment also went well. She actually liked the people at the mental health center we went to (I know, right?) and though the appointment was over 2 hours long it was productive and she was approved for services. Yay!

And today I get to go in to be yelled at by my doctor for not going in for any of the blood tests she ordered 3 months ago. Yeah, try living my life and see if you have the energy or inclination to make a special trip just to get poked with a needle.

And here's a little Anti-Twilight fun for ya.

My Drunken Midget spent all week at my rent's house and comes home tonight. While I'm thrilled that she'll be back home, I feel bad cuz I have no money with which to do anything this weekend so it's going to be a boring one. She never wants to do anything that's free.

But for the moment life is good. I'm blogging. I have my coffee. The door is open, the birds are singing and the cool breeze is tickling my nose. (Actually, that kinda itches.) It's supposed to rain later, and while I've been in so very much pain the last couple days cuz of it, I do love the rain. Maybe we'll get a good thunderstorm!

So, speaking of pain, yesterday I'm leaving my psychiatrist's office and to get to the only parking ramp I have to walk through a building, a sky way, another building, and yet another sky way, which is no short distance, especially when you feel like every bone in your body has been broken with a baseball bat. So, I'm hobbling along with my cane and next thing you know I'm being lapped by a 90+ year-old lady with a walker. WTF???

Oh Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, why does my diabetes hate you so?

Saying grace my dad's way:

Rub a dub dub
Thanks for the grub
Yay God!

And you must, and this is key, you must thrust your fist up into the air for the last line or it negates the entire thing.

And with that I'm outta here. I'm woefully behind on reading blogs and answering comments.

Laters!

Lost: Bloggy Mojo, Reward if Found

2011-04-13T08:19:00.000-05:00

Warning: I'm starting this post at 6:26 a.m. before I've had coffee and I'm still feeling rather zombified, so if it doesn't make any sense or is totally lame I hereby absolve myself of any legal and/or moral culpability for totally confusing and/or boring the living shit out of you.

Having said that, I have to leave shortly to drive across town to pick up my Drunken Midget at her grandparent's house, then drive back across town to right up the road from my house to drop her off at school, so I'll have to discontinue then recontinue this post after I return and hopefully I'll be more awake and somewhat wittier than I am now.

Or I could fall asleep at the wheel and die in a dramatic but fiery crash that will be seen from 10 miles away and you might never hear from me again.

Let us hope that doesn't happen. K, I'll be back...

And I'm back. I made it without driving off a cliff to crash land in a ginormous explosion, but since there's no cliffs in my area I guess that was to be expected. I'm still feeling rather zombified though even after 2 cups of coffee so the above warning still applies.

My cat, Meadow, likes to sit in a specific chair at the dining room table cuz it has a cushion on it from our old couch that someone randomly left there. Apparently she's decided that that is her spot cuz my other cat, Dakota, was sleeping there all nice and peacefully, just minding his own kitty business, and she jumped up and bit him on the head until he ran away. She's definitely the Alpha Cat in this house. She's all big and butch and 'Get the fuck out of my way!' and he's all slender and dainty and 'Thank you, may I have another?' It's pretty funny.

Today I have 2 appointments. One with my psychiatrist-whom I desperately need to see cuz this depression/crabbiness/rabid pissiness is really starting to get to me. The other is with a mental health center for my Drunken Midget. After the intake today they will come into our home once a week and hopefully help her learn coping skills etc. Before I go to the second appointment I have an epic novel's worth of paperwork to fill out. And I've already filled out 4 epic novel's worth previously for this place and she hasn't even seen anybody yet. Fuck. I have a full time job just in appointments and paperwork. If I was paid per hour for all the paperwork I do, I'd be living on my own island sipping Mango rum mixed with Sprite and orange juice while a scantily clad, buff, sexy Sully Erna fans me with ostrich feathers.

Last night I put on some Mudvayne for the bird cuz she looked lonely, then I went into my room and proceeded to fall asleep. When I woke up I came out to the living room and she was giving me that look she gives me when I take away her eggs, that, "You fucking bitch. If I could I would so peck you to death!" look. It took me a minute to figure out why and then I realized that iTunes was playing N Sync. (I had absolutely nothing to do with that-my Midget put that on there.) Yeah, after 2 seconds of that I wanted to peck somebody to death too. So I put on some Rob Zombie and she started chirping happily and all was right with the world once again.

Well, I think I'll end here. I'm just not feelin' my bloggy juju or mojo or whatever you want to call it. Either way, this post is just lackluster at best and I think it's better to end it now.

Laters!

Sweet Potatoes. A Random Title for a Random Post-Random Tuesday Thoughts

2011-04-12T05:32:00.004-05:00

Tuesday has arrived yet again. *cartwheels* Keely is still on hiatus but Stacy is picking up the slack, so go link there and grab a badge. And without further ado, this is my randomness for the week.

*Now I want sweet potatoes. Or McBreakfast.

*In Godsmack's song, 'Greed' Sully Erna croons: "Please somebody help me!" After which I always sing, "I'll help you baby-right into my fucking pants!"

*My Drunken Midgets refuse to listen to Rob Zombie cuz he's 'creepy.' Creepy but incredibly sexy, I say!

*Roadkill: It's what's for dinner. *sung to 'Hoedown,' the Song of Beef*

*Over the weekend I was driving with my window down and a big, dry leaf blew over the hood of my car, was sucked into my window and slapped me in the face. I think that's my Karma for all the times I threatened to bitch slap Mother Nature when we had Spring snows.

*I felt really bad cuz I had to buy my bestest friend's Drunken Midget dollar store toys for his bday cuz I'm dead broke. It made me feel infinitely better when the Midgets ignored all the other toys and fought over my dollar store gifts all day (To the point that we actually had to take them away and hide them.) Booyah for me! Or rather, booyah for the dollar store!

*It just figures too, cuz there were 3 water guns and a plastic pistol (part of my sweet dollar store presents) and did they want to play with the water guns? No, of course not, cuz there were plenty of those. No, they wanted the pistol cuz there was only one. Midgets. Go figure.

*When my Midgets were young I never bought them guns or violent toys and they were never allowed to watch violent tv shows or movies. Yet, when she was about 4, my youngest still proceeded to bite her toast into the shape of a gun and pretended to shoot me with it.

*I spilled sugar on my netbook so now the 'C' key either refuses to let me push it or it gets stuck and just goes cccccccccccccccccccccccccc.

*How is it that things always seem to disappear but rarely reappear in my house? I live in a 2 bedroom apartment not a 142 room mansion. Where does it all go? Is there some vortex somewhere in my house into which things get sucked into another dimension, never to be seen again except by my alternate reality selves? If so, can someone please find it and tell me where it is so I can avoid it?

*What a beautiful day it was yesterday. Just perfect. Don't get many days like that here in MN. Usually it's freeze-your-fucking-balls-off, blow-you-into-the-next-state-windy, or boil-you-like-a-lobster-hot. But yesterday was awesome!

*I just discovered that you can listen to the radio on iTunes. Why didn't somebody tell me this sooner?? I'm now totally in love with Onslaught Radio-which must be outta Britain cuz all the DJs have British accents-it's so infinitely better than the crap 93X plays. Plus, there aren't commercials every 5 seconds. Always a bonus.

Happy Tuesday!

Laters!

It's a Beautiful Day in the Seventh Circle of Hell

2011-04-11T08:40:00.001-05:00

What a gorgeous day! The sun is shining, it's warm, the snow has melted, the grass is a somewhat greenish color, the birds are singing, my patio door is open, the fresh air is kissing my cheeks, and my cat is licking my toe. Oh wait, that last one's kinda gross. Stupid cat.

This is a conversation I had in the car with my youngest Drunken Midget:

Drunken Midget: *points* My grandpa (on her 'father's' side) drives a white van like that.

Me: That's a stalker van! (ask Julie about stalker vans)

DM: Well, that's the kind of van he drives.

M: Then he's a stalker.

DM: It has turkey blood all over it right now though. (Remember, this is her grandfather on her 'father's' side)

M: Why did he have a dead turkey in his van long enough for it to get blood all over? (Notice I didn't simply ask 'Why did he have a dead turkey in his van?')

DM: Because it was roadkill and roadkill only lasts so long before you can't eat it anymore. (Again, paternal grandfather.)

*crickets*

*turns to look at DM incredulously*

M: Wow! I mean, no offense, but, wow!

*I start furiously scribbling in the notebook I keep in my purse for blog ideas (Don't worry, it was a red light, I don't write and drive. Much.)*

DM *knows exactly what I'm writing* Lots of people do that you know. Eat roadkill.

M: *dubiously* Um yeah, but I'm writing about it anyway.

Yeah, have I mentioned lately how happy I am I didn't marry into that family? OMG I wonder how many times I ate roadkill when my Loser Ex and I had dinner at his parent's house????

*gags*

Yesterday was a delightful day. First we went to my bestest gf's parent's house for her son's bday. It was a great party and we had pizza and cake and all that. It was wonderful seeing my besty and all her kids and her family is so nice.

Little kids just crack me up. My friend's little boy refused to go anywhere near the pizza yet somehow managed to get it all over his shirt. Then, at one point he was tearing through the house with all his fave loot gathered in his arms and his cousin was running behind him yelling, 'But you gotta share!!' It was hilarious.

Then we went to my parent's house so we could give my mom her bday cards so we saw my mom, my dad, and my bro, though I was bummed he didn't bring his boys cuz I miss them so much.

So all in all it was a good day and now today I'm in a fantastic mood (it's about damn time!) and I'm in the middle of my morning ~~heroine~~ coffee fix and I'm listening to The Kooks, ''Do Ya Wanna?" and life is so very awesome. For the moment anyway.

Oh, and I'm so thrilled cuz I found the other shoe to my favorite ~~thongs~~ flip flops. They are black with the wedge sole and they are just so cute and I was so heartbroken when I couldn't find the other one. I bought them at Hot Topic like 3 years ago and the one shoe has been lost for 2. Then, the other day it just popped in from whatever dimension it had been hiding in and landed in my closet. It's probably sad that I'm this excited over something so trivial, but I'm just ecstatic.

And another trivial thing that I'm totally thrilled about is that my mom gave me some Aveda Foot Relief cuz my feet were all dry and cracked and sore. Let me tell you that stuff is like golden lotiony goodness. If I could I'd bathe in it. My feet are so smooth and exfoliated now. All I have left to do is paint my toenails and my feet will be all pretty. I wish I could find my toe rings.

I'm bummed though cuz they closed the Hot Topic at the mall by my house. I ~~loved~~ adored that store and shopped there all the time, cuz you know, I'm the cool mom. Now there's a Hollister there. How do you replace Hot Topic with Hollister? It's like, sacrilegious or something.

My Midget wanted to sell some of her old books and CDs so we went to Half Price Books and I found some awesome clearance stuff. I bought In the Name of the King with Jason Statham (nummylicious); Dracula The Un-Dead, Decoding the Lost Symbol, and I'm not Mad, I Just Hate You: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict, Surviving and Thriving During Your Daughter's Teenage Years. I'm particularly excited about the last one, which oddly enough, my Midget picked out for me.

Wow, this post got long. I'd better end now.

Laters!

How About You Play Six Degrees of Kiss My Ass?*

2011-04-09T10:05:00.002-05:00

All day yesterday I was in a pissy mood. I really wanted a reason to ~~hit~~ ~~destroy~~ annihilate someone with my cane. Seriously. Ever since I've had to cut down my coffee intake on account of the fact that my ucler was revolting and I was starting to vomit every day again, which is why I stopped drinking coffee before, I've been depressed and crabby. Now I have to limit myself to one half pot in the morning. Oh coffee how I miss you so. One fix a day is just not enough. *tear*

Aside from the fact that TCF totally fucked me over and claimed that I supposedly bounced 2 things even though my online statement proves that I was NEVER negative...

(Apparently their records are 'different' than the online records, which basically means they can fuck you up the ass and steal your money all they want. But I'm taking my online print out, and my cane, to TCF on Monday and raising some hell cuz this is bullshit-they took $70 out of my account. That's almost a week's worth of child support.)

...but, ASIDE from all that, my house is still (relatively) clean, my Midget has been polite and respectful (she even said, 'thank you, thank you so much, I soooo appreciate it' when I did something for her today) and I was even able to see Source Code yesterday, which was such an awesome movie. So, life hasn't been all that bad, but I've been all pissy, and 'oh the futility of life' and 'Goddess just let me die' lately. What's up with that? Maybe I need a med change. I don't know.

It will be nice though cuz on Sunday my bestest gf is having a bday party for her son, who is turning 5. That will be a nice break from routine and a reason to leave my ~~cave~~ house. Her little boy is such an exuberant little guy. He has so much personality. And I just give her so much credit cuz her husband works on the road so she's basically a single SAHM and NEVER gets a break, and their son is Autistic with ADHD which makes life so much harder for her. I love him dearly, he is such a cutie, but I just don't know how she does it.

I <3 blasphemy. :D

But don't ya think that, no matter what you believe Deity to be, God/dess has a sense of humor, and no matter where He/She is, they are laughing at that pic? Or maybe not. Maybe your religion is stale and solemn and your god is stale and solemn and condemning you to hell right at this moment for laughing at that pic. If that's the case, you can keep your religion, thank you. I'll stick with mine.

K, that's all I got.

Laters!

*Today's title brought to you by 'Psych'...again.

She Could Be Like Keyser Soze...With One Shoe*

2011-04-08T08:35:00.000-05:00

Wednesday night I was very pleasantly surprised cuz my Drunken Midget came home in a fantastic mood and even said thank you *gasp* when I bought her a bunch of CDs at Half Price Books. She was fun to be around and not surly at all. It was ~~very nice~~ delightful. I'm going to enjoy it while I can cuz who knows how long it will last.

So, Jimmy John's delivered my dinner last night (and it was sooooo delicious) and one of the things I ordered was a pickle. And it was big. And nummy. So on my Facebook status I wrote "Mmmm...big pickle..." My eldest Drunken Midget responded with, "I am really disturbed by that status." Really? All the things I've done to warp her over the years and she's disturbed by "Mmmm...big pickle..."????

She's just lucky I didn't post this as my status!

When I Googled 'big pickle' this is one of the first pics that came up. Okay then.

In a fit of silliness my youngest Drunken Midget threw a cat at me last night. I don't know who was more surprised, me or the cat.

Apparently after over 300 advertisers dumped him, FOX has decided to drop Glenn Beck from their programming. Hallelujah. Unfortunately some other network will probably pick him up, enabling him to spread his lies, ignorance and hatred elsewhere.

And of course, it is Friday, which means Fawk You Friday, which means I get to vent my little heart out. Yay. :D Check out Boobies, Babies & a Blog and My Mad Mind, get your badge and vent away. I dare ya. It's fun.

Fawk You to all the bicyclists in my suburb who insist on riding in the street when there's a fucking bike path on one side and a sidewalk on the other side of every main road. You're always in my damn way and one of these days I'm going to start barreling into you wankers, just to make a point. Use the fucking bike path!!

Fawk You to John Boehner for the looming gov't shutdown. You are a steaming pile of cow dung and I hope that you get crabs.

Fawk You to all the Republicans who claim that defunding Planned Parenthood is about abortion when NO federal funds are EVER used for abortion.

Fawk You to the (Christian) guy who parks two spots down from me in the garage who made a belittling comment to my youngest Drunken Midget about my Pagan bumper stickers. If you have a problem with my religion you can suck my left titty cuz I could really give a shit, but if you feel you must make a nasty comment at least have the balls to say it to me so I can hit you with my cane.

Aaaaaah, I feel better now.

Bonus points to anyone who knows what movie has the character 'Keyser Soze' in it.

*Today's title brought to you by 'Psych'

Just Some Random Crap Before I Bitch Slap My Coffeemaker

2011-04-06T11:32:00.000-05:00

Apparently April is STD Awareness Month. Check out Bloggers Unite if you want to participate. Along with it is the GYT (Get Yourself Tested) Campaign. I'm so happy that you can't get an STD from pink silicone. Just another reason to check out EdenFantasys! Bahahahahaha

April is also National Poetry Month. Too bad I've got writer's block. Again.

Did you know that more than 27% of your income taxes will be spent on war? Curious to see just how many of your tax dollars will go to funding war? Go here.

My Drunken Midget comes home tonight. While I'm looking forward to seeing her and all that, I'm not looking forward to the attitude and the mess. The whole "I fucking hate you and can't stand living with you!" bit is growing especially old.

I really, really long to head to Half Price Books but have to save the rest of my money for entertaining the Midget when she comes home (she's on Spring Break this week). *sigh* Sometimes being selfless really sucks ass. Especially when there's absolutely NO appreciation. NONE.

This also applies to coffeemakers.

So, I'm having a really pissy moment right now. My coffeemaker uses those stupid-ass cone filters and the ones I bought apparently don't fit quite right despite the fact that the package claims it fits all 6-12 cup coffeepots with cone filters. So, I didn't sleep well last night and woke up with a splitting headache and really, really needed coffee like, right away, and so I made some and it finally finished brewing after what seemed like days and I was all excited for coffeecoffeecoffee and all the fucking grounds were in my coffeepot cuz the filter folded over. God damn it. Somebody is going to die.

Now I have to wait for the pot to cool before I can make more and hope the damn filter doesn't fail (epically) again. I really can't afford to be wasting coffee like this. Fuckers.

Maybe I'll be back after coffee. Or maybe I'll just post this as is who knows.

*Just breathe. In breath...out breath...in breath...out breath.*

Update on Coffee Situation: Made coffee successfully after realizing there is a trick to using these particular cone filters. Would have been nice if trick had been printed on box. Having my first cup now.

Pissiness Alert Level: Reduced from Red to Orange. ~~All~~ ~~Most~~ Some people and cats within a 5 mile radius are now relatively safe.

My cat is simultaneously trying to eat my netbook and type on it at the same time. Weird cat.

Laters!

When You Cut Me I Bleed Randomness-Random Tuesday Thoughts

2011-04-05T08:27:00.002-05:00

Yupp It's another installment of Random Tuesday Thoughts. I miss Keely. Link up with Stacy. She rocks too. ~~But I can't figure out how to get the badge from her blog to mine.~~ That's all I got. On with the show.

*I hate it when my Twizzlers Pull N Peels aren't pully or peely.

*I want to be made into a diamond when I die but no one will wear me. :P

*If you put varying scents of incense, Glade candles, and an Air Wick oil warmer all together in one room it will smell like flower farts.

*Hulu,
The Care Bears Movie falls under the Action and Adventure genre?
Really though??

*Random advice:

Pic found here.

*I often watch tv on mute (with subtitles) while I listen to my iPod.

*Does collecting Witches, gargoyles, and Buddhas make me weird?

*What kind of restaurant is closed for lunch?

*True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient, it's about being there when it's not. (I don't know who said that.)

*Random zombie related quote:

*Random Witchy facts:

Burning a white candle will remove negativity from a room.

Sprinkling basil in every corner of every room will keep negativity away. Refresh monthly.

*Watched Green Day's 'Awesome as F**k' last night and it so totally rocked my socks. Billy Joe Armstrong is such a cutie!

*I'm feeling blue...and varying shades of gray...and black...and a little brown.

*I didn't just almost set my hair on fire. No, really, I swear. Not me. I'm as smooth as chunky peanut butter.

K that's all I got!

Laters!

I Live in My Own Little World But It's Okay, Everyone Knows Me Here

2011-04-04T06:13:00.001-05:00

Take a wonderful few days of peace, quiet and solitude, mix it with an awesome visit with my bestest gf, and the result is a fantastic vacation from life. My youngest Drunken Midget has been with her 'father' since Thursday night and I've thoroughly enjoyed my time off. She comes back on Wednesday so I still have a few more days left to enjoy.

In the last 5 minutes I have let my cat, Dakota, in and out of my room 265,000 times. Ok, so it's really 14.5 times (yes, I've been counting but only cuz I have nothing better to do), but it feels like a lot more. I really don't understand why he can't pick one side of the door or the other. He also eats random things off the floor and then throws up. It's like having a toddler around only more annoying.

That reminds me of a quote from Buffy: "There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that is factually true."

WWBD: What Would Buffy Do?

I heart Mudvayne. Yes, I'm listening to something other than Godsmack. *gasp!* I know, I just totally shattered your whole world. But I do also love Mudvayne, and if Chad Gray wants to pop into my Sully fantasies for a bit, I'm totally ok with that. As long as he knows that Sully will always be #1.

Who says 3 pots is a day is too much?

It might be somewhat possible that I've had too much coffee. (So what's new?) I could be wrong, but I don't think so. I guess it all just depends on how many pots of coffee per day you think are too much.

Here's an awesome vid by Mudvayne:

And here's a little Zombie Apocalypse fun for ya...

My house is still clean from inspections on Tuesday and I have so enjoyed lounging around not doing a damn thing and just partaking of the cleanliness. I figure I'd better enjoy it while I can. Once my Midget comes home on Wednesday it will look like a mall vomited all over it again.

So apparently Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Chicago. The only reason this surprises me is that it means the American public isn't as stupid as I thought, though they did buy tickets to see him in the first place. What a fuckmonkey. Do us all a favor Charlie and go crawl under a moldy log with the other vermin. (No offense to the vermin of the world.) And don't forget to stay there. Forever.

Watched The Search for John Gissing again Saturday night. That is a hilarious Indie flick with Alan Rickman (Dogma, Harry Potter) and it always cracks me up to no end. I did end up falling asleep about halfway through it, but that's only cuz I didn't put it in till midnight and is in no way a reflection on how good of a movie it is.

And I leave you with this random pic I found on StumbleUpon...

Mmmmm...bacon!

Laters!

Zombie Vomit and Excuse Me, Did You Really Bring a Bag of Vomit Into My Restaurant?

2011-04-03T00:45:00.000-05:00

Yes boys and girls, it's a general vomit theme today.

He's so sexy when he's killing zombies. And I loove his...gun!

Ok, so far I've had the most awesomest weekend I've had a loooong time. After spending the afternoon with my bestest gf Friday I came home to my empty house and was bummed cuz I'd actually had a taste of human companionship and freedom from being a slave to the computer, so I called up my besty and asked if she wanted company. She said yes so I headed out there and we spent the night chatting and watching movies. We watched Zombieland, which I've been dying to see forever, and it was so fantastic, though I could have done without the zombie vomit. Woody Harrelson is absolutely hilarious. Then we watched The Hot Chick, which was pretty funny too, but not as good as Zombieland.

So I spent Friday night and most of Saturday over there and then I came home and checked my email and lo and behold there was an email from my Loser Ex apologizing to me for ~~being such a giant cunt~~ 'jumping to conclusions.' That was enormously satisfying. I mean, seriously, it was orgasmic. If I had sent my nasty email we'd still be fighting, but since I kept my cool he had to suck it up and ~~kiss my lily ass~~ eat crow, which totally made my day. I guess maturity has its perks after all.

And the best part of the weekend was that my bestest gf had ordered some clothes out of a catalog that were too big for her so instead of sending them back she gave them to me. So now I have a new pair of capris, 2 t-shirts, and 2 hoodies. Yay for new clothes!! And for bestest friends! Booyah!

So, my daughter's bf works for the same restaurant that she does, but at a different location. So he's at work the other night and this chick came in to pick up a take-out order. Less than an hour later she was back demanding her money back cuz she claimed that her husband got food poisoning from their food. So, the bf, who runs the restaurant, tried to explain that one actually has to have time to digest the food before one can get food poisoning from it and she was all arguing with him about it. Then, at one point she actually pulls out a BAG OF VOMIT as proof that her husband indeed had food poisoning. At this point the bf just was like, here's your $7, get the hell out of my fucking restaurant you crazy bitch. Well, not in those words, but you get the idea. But seriously, I'd like to know how that whole thing went down.

Husband: Honey, I think I'm gonna be sick.

Wife: OMG you must have food poisoning, even though most of the food hasn't even had time to travel down the length of your esophagus into your stomach.

H: OMFG I'm gonna rupe. *runs for bathroom*

W: No, wait, not yet! Lemme get a bag so I can bring it in as proof that you've been poisoned!

H: I don't know if I can wait.... *gags*

W: *screams frantically* No! I know there's a Ziploc in here somewhere. *rummages through kitchen drawers before triumphantly pulling out gallon sized Ziploc baggy*

H: *retching*

W: *runs to husband, is able to catch a majority of vomit in bag. Seals it with great flourish* Ah-ha! We'll see what those sorry bastards have to say now! I'll get my $7 back for sure!

It takes all kinds, let me tell ya.

Ok, so I bent down to smell my new lavender and vanilla scented candle, cuz you have to have your nose in it to actually be able to smell it ( you suck candle company I can't name cuz the writing is too small to read) and I somehow managed to burn my right eyeball despite the fact that I had my glasses on. Now my vision is all blurry in that eye. Helmet, I'm tellin' ya.

And before I go, here's my fave vid by Rob Zombie. I just love the A Clockwork Orange thing he's got goin' on in this one.

Laters!

Fawk You Loser Ex and I Hate Being Mature

2011-04-01T15:39:00.000-05:00

And, once again it is Friday, which means Fawk You Friday, hosted by Boobies, Babies, and a Blog and My Mad Mind. So, since I'm pretty pissed off today I'm just going to jump right into it.

*Fawk You to my Loser Ex who emailed my today with a giant fucking nasty ass attitude and told me off over something that I never even said. Maybe, just maybe, you should try communicating with me once in a while you vapid jackass!

*Fawk You to Maturity which prompted me to NOT send my first nasty ass attitude-ridden response to my Loser Ex's nasty email. I really wanted to tell him off but I chose to be the grown up (cuz somebody has too) and send the second email that I composed which was much more rational and not at all ridden with the rabid attitude I have. So instead of starting the email with 'Before you freak out on me maybe you should try fucking communicating with me for once.' I started it with 'I think that perhaps there has been a miscommunication.'

So that's my Fawk You for today.

I'm just feeling really blah and blech and bleh today. Maybe it's the weather. It's cloudy and chilly. You'd think that since I actually ventured out of the house this afternoon I'd be feeling great. My bestest friend came and ~~dragged me away from the computer kicking and screaming and forced me out into the real world~~ picked me up and we went out to lunch at Green Mill, did a bit of thrift store shopping, stopped at a garage sale, and then ended the afternoon with mochas at Caribou. It was really fun and I was so happy to see her and get out of the house, but now that I'm home again I'm all Ugh.

I lost the Cheetos but found the Oreos so I think I still came out ahead on that one.

Wow, I think this is the shortest post I've done in a while, but I'm just too icky to blog anymore. I think I'm gonna call my bestest friend and see if she's sick of me yet. Maybe I'll see if she wants some company tonight.
Laters!

Two for One Penis Stretchers or Excuse Me, Have You Seen My Helmet?

2011-03-31T11:29:00.001-05:00

For some reason I so thought I had already started a post for today. Hmmm With all the cleaning I had to do I not only fucked up my blogging schedule, I got behind on creating posts in advance.

I'm kinda freaking out. I'm shaking and I feel like I want to run 200 miles around in circles with one foot nailed to the floor, and I can't stop clenching my teeth, and I want to smoke like an entire pack of smokes at one time while simultaneously drinking a pot of coffee, and my brain is racing so fast my fingers can't keep up andandandand....aaaaaah!

Maybe I'm getting manic again?

Maybe not, I've been cycling like crazy the last few weeks so it could just be a quick cycle. Is it still a manic episode if it only lasts a few hours?

I see my therapist today. That's probably a good thing.

Have I mentioned yet that every muscle and bone in my body hates me and that they are threatening a violent revolt that would culminate in killing me in my sleep, if I ever sleep again?

K, just checking.

Every day I get at least half a dozen junk emails for male enhancement products and/or Viagra. My email addy has the word 'girl' in it (spacedgirlhero). Hence, that means I most likely don't have a penis (that I know of) so why the fuck do they keep sending them to me? One asked me, 'Why do men use male enhancement products?' I don't know. Insecurity? Stupidity? Desperation? Penis envy? WTF?

The last hour and a half was spent trying desperately to catch up on my blog reading. I'm getting there but I still have at least half a dozen blogs to go. My blogroll has become very, very long and there's still more blogs I want to add to it. It's not so bad reading them all as they come, but don't read at all for a few days and it's like an avalanche of sarcasm, wit, hilarity, and in some cases rhyming. And I forgot my shovel. Not that I'm complaining I love reading you all, cuz you so rock!

And now it is Thursday cuz I didn't have time to finish writing this post yesterday cuz I had so much to do.

One of those things was going to the grocery store. Never, ever go to the grocery store hungry or you'll come home with $77 worth of carbs and sugar. Yeah, my diabetes is lovin' that. Ok, so it wasn't actually all carbs and sugar. I did buy milk, orange juice, yogurt, and cottage cheese.

So last night I was opening a candle that was wrapped in plastic. Since I couldn't get it open with my fingers I naturally used my teeth and just as I got a piece of the plastic free I inhaled and it got sucked into my throat where it resided for the next couple hours. Thus, until I was able to finally swallow it, I was hacking like a cat with a reluctant furball. I'm just special, I know. Special in that, "Do you need a helmet?" sorta way.

And with that I'm off.

Laters!

Oh, and I almost forgot:

Godsmack 4ever!

Random Tuesday Thoughts-The I Hate Housing Inspections Edition

2011-03-29T16:39:00.000-05:00

Yes, Keely's on hiatus. I say so what? I'm gonna do Random Tuesday Thoughts anyway, cuz if I didn't my Tuesdays would be a vacuous pit of emptiness and I would likely spend them curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor screaming, "There is no God!!" So yeah, here we go.

*13 hours of cleaning, 1 1/2 hours of screaming, 6 days of stressing, and the inspectors were here for a grand total of 4 minutes. The house looks fabulous though. My bestest gf came out early this morning and helped do the deep cleaning of the bathroom and the vacuuming etc. She so rocks. I think I passed, they didn't tell me either way so I'm not positive, but I think if I had failed they would have mentioned it.

*They weren't fucking around either, they had the City Inspector, the Fire Chief, and the Head Manager ~~Bitch~~ Lady come poke around my apartment. The only problems were that I had some stuff plugged into an extension cord (they say it should be in a power strip), I have to sweep the deck cuz the people upstairs have a bird feeder and all the seeds and shit fall onto my deck, and the caulk in the bathtub was mildewy, but it's coming up so I can't do much about that, they have to strip it and replace it.

*So enough inspection stuff, it's over and I'm soooo relieved and we went out for Chinese food to celebrate and it was nummy! Woot! Woot! Now I don't have to do this again till August. Yay!

*I have three little brown notebooks and I can only find two of them. The ever-so-elusive 3rd one has all my random thoughts for the week in it (of course), so you'll have to bear with me if my randomness is a little lame this week.

*I have a headache the size of en elephant wearing a purple tutu with green rhinestones on it, which are sparkly and making my head hurt more. It is killing me. It feels like somebody is repeatedly bludgeoning me with a sledgehammer made of ice. I think I need coffee but it's 4:20 *snickers* and I also happen to need sleep tonight.

*My hands are shaking. I think I'm going through Bloggy/Facebook withdrawal. More likely, it's due to the excruciating pain I'm in, but whatever.

*Seriously, every muscle and joint in my body is throbbing and feels like it's on fire. Even my bones ache. But it was so worth it, everything looks fantastic!

*Ok, I have to go lie down now. But I plan to catch up on my blog reading and read all your random thoughts tonight or tomorrow!

Laters!

Drowning in a Sea of Junk

2011-03-29T08:01:00.000-05:00

Just to let you know I will be doing Random Tuesday Thoughts sometime later, but I'm still trying to get the house clean for inspections. Meanwhile my Diva, I mean Drunken Midget, hasn't lifted a finger and I can barely move I'm in so much pain. I'm about to tell her to go live with her fucking therapist.

Be back when I can with uber random.

Talkin' Up the Stove or Teenagers and Neighbors from Hell Suck Ass

2011-03-28T03:08:00.000-05:00

Not only do I talk to my cats (my Midgets call me the crazy cat lady, but I think I need at least 6 more cats before I deserve that moniker), but I also talk to inanimate objects. This is what I said to my stove last night as I was getting ready to make spaghetti:

Prepare to be used like a filthy crack whore!

Yes, I am just too strange for words.

I just sneezed all over my netbook. Damn it. Oh, and gross.

Spent a grand total of 8 hours cleaning this weekend. Am I done? Fuck no. *sigh* Inspections are tomorrow, I'd better get my ass in gear. (I hate you landlord, you Nazi shithead!)

Apparently my youngest Drunken Midget thinks it's ok to lend MY CDs to HER friends. WTF? Is there nothing that is my own? I'm going to start taking her shit and see how she likes it. Obviously she has very lax ideas when it comes to ownership of property so it shouldn't be a big deal if I loan out all her stuff, right? (yeah, right) Maybe I'll rent out her room while I'm at it.

Of course, admittedly, I'm of two minds where this is concerned. On the one hand, I love being the cool mom who rocks the sweet music that everyone wants to borrow. Yet, on the other hand I just want to scream, "Keep your damn hands off my music!"

I'm so sick of teenagers. And I still have 4 and 1/2 more years to go. (Just shoot me now. No, seriously. I'll even pay you.)

Actually I'm rather sick of everything right now. Money (or lack thereof), landlords, Midgets, cats, people in general (they should all be skinned, boiled, and set on fire), cleaning, breathing. I've just had it with fucking everything!

Thank you, I feel better. Not really. But I will soon. The pissyness usually passes pretty quickly. I'm just over tired, over worked, and over taken advantage of. Or something like that.

So, my Neighbor from Hell came down 3 times this weekend. The 1st time she asked for smokes and I told her I was out (big fat lie) and the 2nd time she asked for smokes I told her I quit (even bigger big fat lie). The 3rd time she wanted a ride to the store to buy smokes but I was too busy cleaning. (Actually I was taking a break from cleaning and writing this post.) I'm just so damn tired of her bumming my smokes and asking me to drive her ass everywhere. I can't afford to support her habit along with mine. Not to mention, has she seen the price of gas?? And I'm not above lying if it will get her off my ass and make my life easier. And I'm totally ok with that.

Of course, the next time I run into her when I go out for a smoke I'll have some splainin' to do. :P

For the last ten minutes my cat has been sneezing nonstop. And I don't mean sneezing as in 'um, achoo.' I mean sneezing as in 'A-A-A-oh-my-fucking-god-her-eyes-just-popped-out-of-her-fucking-skull-CHOO.' And she's coughing. I didn't know cats could cough. Oh, and now she's coughing up her spleen onto my hot pink comforter. Great. Oh, good she stopped now. Oh, and her eyes are all weepy and red and she's got gobs of snot running down off her face onto my pillow. *sigh* I think she's sick. (oh yeah, what was your first fucking clue?) And how much money do I have with which to take her to a vet? Zero dolla. Think there's a vet that would trade his or her services for sexual favors?

So my eldest Drunken Midget and I had a very long, very strange conversation on Facebook last night which started out with one of her status updates, which innocently enough was simply 'Hmm.' It included subjects such as lying, smoking cocaine, orgies, sex toys, and the amount of money that her bf should get for pimping is both out (as long as she's his bottom ho). One of her friends joined in the conversation throwing around words like 'MORALS' and 'ETHICS' but since he was the one that brought up the orgies and cocaine he lost some of his credibility. We did end up scaring him off of Facebook though, which I feel bad about. Oh well. He'll live. He might even talk to us again someday.

Ok then, I'm off to not sleep some more.

Laters!

I Have No Freaking Idea What's Going On. Life Proceeds as Usual.

2011-03-26T08:28:00.000-05:00

Ode to Coffee

Coffee oh how I love you
totally through and through
you do me so right
from morning till night
you keep me from napping and
prevent me from snapping so
I don't go to jail for homicide.
(even if the deaths were justified)
You're my sweet heroine
you always make me grin
you pick me up when I'm feeling low
Oh dear coffee how I love you so.

So yeah, can you tell I'm really bored this morning? And dying for a smoke. But it's freezing cold and I don't feel motivated to get all dressed to go stand outside in the street and smoke. Not being able to smoke in my own home is really starting to piss me off. If I could I'd so move. First the smoking ban, now these inspections. Fascist bastards.

*sigh*

Haven't put a dent in all the cleaning I have to do. Not even a small one. Damn it. I'm having the worst trouble getting motivated to do anything. My brain keeps screaming, "Get up and do something," and my body just goes, "Mmmm maybe tomorrow." *yawn* Today I'll have to start busting ass and just get it done. It will be so worth it.

Cuz one good thing about the inspection is that it will force me to get my house all sparkly clean and I'll enjoy that, once it's finished. And maybe, just maybe, with my room all clean I'll be motivated to do a ritual for Beltane. I missed the last 2 Sabbats, so I'd really like to do something for Beltane. Plus, it's my 2nd fave holiday (after Samhain).

One day I mentioned to my eldest Midget that I did a ritual for something and my mom overheard it and kinda flipped out; she was all, 'What??? A RITUAL?? Why would you do that???' It was pretty hilarious. Like she thought I was summoning Satan to sacrifice babies to him or something. Jeesh. Muggles!

Except now they have all those damn child labor laws.

When good dogs go bad. Tonight on Maury.

Really, I'm not posting these pics and stuff cuz I have nothing to say.

*GASP!* No! Surely not! Raven, speechless??? The world must be coming to a violent, bloody end in a ball of fiery flames! Aaaaaah here come the zombies!!

I really got nothin' so look at this pic while I listen to "Foxy, Foxy" by Rob Zombie.

LMFAO!

K, I still got nothin' so I'm outta here!

Laters!

A Heartwarming Little Story Followed Immediately By Fawk You Friday

2011-03-25T00:34:00.001-05:00

So I just have to say that I love words. Adore them. Always have. And I love learning new words and sometimes even making up my own words. I'd better love them as I aspire to be a 'real writer' when I 'grow up.' This love affair that I have with words has gone on for as long as I can remember. In fact, I can still recall the first time I looked up a word in the dictionary, not because I had to for an assignment for school, but because I heard it and wanted to know what it meant for my own edification.

I was 11 or 12 and I was watching the movie Real Genius with Val Kilmer on HBO. (Fantastic fucking movie btw. Just hilarious. And Val Kilmer is smoking HOT!) I was downstairs in my parents basement watching it on the big screen tv and the evil guy in the movie called Val and his friends a bunch of 'degenerates' and I didn't know what it meant, so I thought I'd look it up in my blue and yellow Webster's college dictionary and I realized that it was the first time that I'd ever looked up a word of my own volition.

So yeah. Boring story, I know, but it's one of my clearest memories. The rest of my childhood is a fuzzy, blurry mess of images and feelings that I have difficultly pulling out into my conscious mind.

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Wanker!

K I just remembered it's Friday, which means it's Fawk You Friday time! (But I'll be using the real word, cuz I like it!) I'm hooking up with Boobies, Babies and a Blog and My Mad Mind for my first time participating. I guess that means I'm a Fawk You Friday virgin. *giggles*

Fuck you~ Ms. West, my Drunken Midget's therapist. You seem hell bent on separating me and my Midget and I'm so looking into suing your vapid banshee ass.

Fuck you~ Loser Ex who abandoned my Midget for the first 15 years of her life, leaving me to raise her by myself, and yet now you're Superdad and I'm the Wicked Witch of the Midwest. Bite me you stupid, dickless fucker.

Fuck you~ Asshole in the Lexus who was so busy yakking on the phone that you didn't see me when you barreled over into my lane, without signaling, and nearly ran me off the road. You suck. Get off your damn phone and drive.

Fuck you~ Landlord who is coming in on Monday with the fire department to poke around every nook and cranny of my home and criticize my housekeeping ability. You all suck. Epically.

Fuck you~ To the CEOs of the oil companies for being the greedy motherfuckers that you are.

Ok, I think that's enough rageful venting for one day. :P

And here are some of my favorite keyword searches that brought people to this blog.

can i snort wake ups~ You can, but I don't know what good it will do you.

orgasmator~ Helping women climax since 1929.

(Incidentally, did you know that the first dildo was made of wood? How did those splinters feel??)

dog bite not tearing pants but red around the scab~ Ummmmm....okay?

acid backflash~ The only way to hallucinate.

bald lizard~ Got Rogaine?

don't be a myopic chihuahua~ How about a myopic iguana?

happy bunny bite me bitch~ Was it good for you?

up down up down all around world again~ Sounds like my mood swings.

easy there seabiscuit~ I'm so gonna steal that!

free movies bab fucked by zoo~ Sorry, I'm just not into bestiality, free movies or no.

psych drinking game~ That's the drinking game I made up. You watch the tv show Psych, and drink every time there's an 80s reference. You'll be snockered in 2 episodes.

Laters!

Well I'm not Stoned I'm Just F**ked Up, I Got So High I Can't Stand Up

2011-03-24T10:23:00.000-05:00

Not really, those are lyrics to a Green Day song. The title of it eludes me at the moment.

Good morning world, and welcome to my ~~insanity~~ blog! I hope everyone out in cyberspace is utterly fantabulous.

So, I have to give a big shout out to The Defiant Marshmallow, who not only totally rocks but has gifted me with the Cherry on Top Award. Yay! It's the second time in the last 2 weeks that I've received this award, and I'm loving it. As is my voracious Leo ego. There's nothing we Leos love more than adoration, recognition, and accolades. If you have not yet visited The Defiant Marshmallow, you really should do so. ASAP.

All righty then. Now I get to share 5 things that I love about myself.

1. My intelligence. Though I don't quite have a genius IQ like my youngest Drunken Midget, I'm pretty damn smart and extremely proud of that fact.

2. My insatiable thirst for learning. I mostly satisfy this by reading everything I can get my hands on. I love to learn new things, ideas, concepts, words, and most especially totally useless facts.

For instance, did you know that Uma Thurman's father was the first American to be ordained a Tibetan Buddhist Monk?

Or that, more than a third of the time, Icelanders don't show up for work, which could account for why research also shows that Iceland is the world's happiest nation?

3. I love my hair. It is so long it's almost down to my waist, though it's gettin' kinda scraggly and needs to have a few inches cut off. It's normally black, but I haven't dyed it for a while cuz I'm ~~lazy~~ ~~unmotivated~~ busy (that's my story and I'm stickin' to it) so for now it's dark brown with streaks of gray. When I do dye it next I'm going to have it professionally done and have it dyed dark brown or black with crayon red underneath so that when I put it in a ponytail you can see that my hair is 2 different colors.

4. I love my attitude! You might love me, you might hate me, but you will surely remember me and that's cuz of my totally awesome attitude.

5. I love my willingness to embrace wacky ideas and my proclivity to the weird and strange. It makes life much more interesting. One thing I've never been accused of is being boring!!

And, last but not least, it's time to hand out the award to deserving recipients. Once again, there are so many awesome blogs out there that I have a hard time choosing just 5, so if you were left out yet again, don't cry, I love you anyway and there will be more awards in the future.

1. Recommended Daily Dose~A fantabulous blog where Kate pours her heart out and shares her opinions and stuff about her life. It is a fantastically fun read.

2. My Own Brand of Crazy~Life at the Cox's sure is a wild ride, and I love reading about all their adventures.

3. incognitus scriptor~There's just all kinds of fun stuff on this blog. Allstarme has a wicked wit and phenomenal sense of humor. A wonderful blog to visit.

4. Kristine's Place~Her header says it all: "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor every morning the Devil says, 'Aw shit, she's up!'"

5. The Zen of Motherhood~Poetry, parenting, life, Zen. It's all there.

So, check out those blogs! Damn it.

All day yesterday I fought with my desktop. It was being all petulant and wonky and it was taking like 10 minutes to load a single web page. You would not believe the language that I hurled at this computer. Well, you probably would if you've been reading this blog for any length of time. I've become very creative and exceedingly foul with my insults. (BEWARE: If you are elderly or a small child or have delicate sensibilities, close your eyes when you read the following sentence.) My personal fave was 'You mother fucking cock sucking syphilitic whore!' Yeah, it pissed me off that much.

Last night, my neighbor was blaring her tv so loud that not only were the pictures on my wall shaking and rattling, I could hear the sound of it over the screaming of my iPod. Doesn't anybody have respect for the people around them anymore? For fuck's sake. For a brief minute I seriously considered putting Static-X in the stereo and cranking it up as loud as it would go, but decided that wouldn't help anything. See, I can be mature. (not usually though)

So, I'm on hold with the pharmacy and they are playing Barry Manilow. I think my brain is melting.

Ok, I've been on hold for 20 minutes now and I just can't handle the 80's pop anymore. It's making me feel slightly homicidal.

Of course, I felt slightly homicidal before I was forced to endure the travesty they call music, but that just made it worse. But, at least I'm happy in my homicidalness. (Yes, I know, that's not a word. Spell check is pissed at me and is furiously waving it's squiggly little red line in my face. I'm ok with that, I like to make up new words.) I'm feeling rather chipper this morning despite the fact that I want to take a chainsaw to the first person that even slightly pisses me off. :D

My public service message for the day.

Once Upon a Time There Was a Beautiful Princess Who Kicked Some Major Ass

2011-03-23T03:53:00.001-05:00

Rock on Metal Heads!

As I mentioned previously, my Midget's parakeet is a total Metal Head. She's been depressed lately and the only time she perks up and chirps is when I play metal. Her very fave band is Static-X, so I play their music for her frequently. (Sadly, she's kinda like, meh, when it comes to Godsmack) Her fave album by Static-X is 'Wisconsin Death Trip' and her fave song on that album is "I'm With Stupid" She just goes totally fucking nuts when it comes on. It is absolutely hilarious. I wish I had a video camera, I'd so post it on YouTube.

This really has nothing to do with this post, I just thought it was funny.

I think that maybe, just possibly, I'm not certain, but it could be true that my pissy mood is slowly dissipating. I'm not quite so crabby and depressed as I have been, which is good cuz I really just couldn't even stand myself for a minute there. Perhaps it was the massive amounts of coffee, which I've cut back on cuz I think I was going through withdrawals several times a day and that was totally fucking with my moods. Or it could be that life really sucks. Or maybe it's just my bipolarness. Who knows. I really don't care. Don't know why I've gone on about it this long. As long as the pissyness goes away, it's all good to me.

Don't ya hate it when you trip on something and it hurts and you're pissed off cuz the Drunken Midget left something on the floor YET AGAIN and you take a deep breath to start yelling at them to come pick up their shit and you look down and....you tripped on your own shit. *sigh* I hate that! I just tripped over a shoe in the hallway and was cursing about it only to find that it was my shoe. Damn it.

"I hate failure when there's no one else to blame it on." I stole that from 'Angel' which is one of my fave tv shows. And no, I'm not talking about 'Touched by an Angel' which is what everyone thinks when I say 'Angel.' If I meant 'Touched by an Angel,' I'd say, 'Touched by an Angel.' No, I'm referring to the vampire 'Angel.'

Ok, good, now that we've established that...

I heart Limp Bizkit. I love the song 'Hot Dog.' I've never heard the word 'fuck' so many times in 1 song.

Somehow most of my silverware has disappeared. I don't know where it all went, all I know is it's not in my kitchen. There are like 20 butter knives, 6 spoons, and a fork in my silverware drawer right now and I just unloaded the dishwasher so they're not in there. Really, are there like evil elves that come in at night and steal your silverware? Or maybe there's a great gaping vortex of doom in my kitchen that has a penchant for silverware. But apparently not butter knives.

No, really, I can see just fine without the clampy things, thank you.

A long time ago I saw the movie A Clockwork Orange. What a trip that was. I mean, wow! WTF? Now I want to read the book.

So, the parakeet has been laying tons of eggs lately. She lays one, sits on it for a while, and when it doesn't hatch she viciously pecks it to death, slips into a fit of depression, and then eventually lays another egg and the cycle begins anew. It's very strange. I think she's bipolar. Or schizophrenic. Psychotic? Something.

And last, but certainly not least, I won another award! *spoken in a happy, happy, psychotically chipper, sing-song voice* Recently I discovered a new blog called The Defiant Marshmallow (don't you just love that name?) and he gifted me with the Cherry on Top Award! Yay!! I'm so excited! So, soon I'll be posting on that, and this time I get to share 5 things about me. Booyah! And, it also means I get to hand out awards to more of my fave bloggers. Woot! Woot! Oh, and go check out The Defiant Marshmallow, I guarantee you'll have a great time there!

K, I'm gone.

Laters!

It's the End of The World as We Know It-Random Tuesday Thoughts

2011-03-22T06:01:00.002-05:00

*Trumpets blare with great fanfare*

Yes, it is that time once again-

*Trumpets blare with even greater fanfare*

Yes, ok, thank you. It's time for Random Tuesday Thoughts!

*Trumpets bla-*

*Raven punches lead trumpet guy in the nose*

Enough with the trumpets already!!

As I was saying. It's time for Random Tuesday Thoughts! So, read this post, head over to Keely's grab the fashionable purple ham badge and get all random and stuff. And don't forget to tell Keely she's pretty! You're gorgeous, girl!

FYI I just read this is the last Random Tuesday Thoughts! NOOOOOOOOOOO!! It can't be!!! What am I going to do with my Tuesdays from now on? Oh Keely, you can't leave me!

*curls up into the fetal position and shakes uncontrollably*

Ok, just had to get that out.

*Remember when I poured coffee into my purse? Well, now I've got a meal to go with that beverage. Sunday night I dropped pizza in my purse. (She shoots, she scores! And the crowd goes wild!)

*Spring might finally be here. It's getting warmer, all the snow is almost gone. Yay! And if I hear anything in the forecast about more snow coming I will personally drive my ass down to the news station and punch the weatherman in the nose. And don't think I'm playin', just ask the lead trumpet dude.

*We have an apartment inspection coming up on the 29th, which means I need to get busy cleaning. *sigh* I hate inspections. It's so intrusive to have somebody poking around your home and judging your housekeeping skills. It makes me feel violated.

*I found this somewhere. Don't remember where. If it's yours and you're pissed that I stole it, leave a comment with your link and I'll give credit.

Welcome to my world.

*So my pissy mood and I sat down and had a chat. It started out well. I calmly explained that I was tired of being pissy and politely asked if it would it please vacate the premises. The conversation deteriorated quickly into violence from there. My pissy mood apparently knows jiu jitsu. I do not. The violence then escalated into an all out vicious ass-kicking. Now I'm licking my wounds and mending my broken bones. Stupid pissy-ass mood.

*But I'm not giving up. Nor am I giving in. I'll get rid of it if I have to take out half the planet in the process.

*I am neither here nor there yet somehow always stuck between a rock and a hard place.

*Here's another random funny pic:

Pic courtesy StumbleUpon

*And I just heard from my Neighbor from Hell that there is a winter storm coming. Watch out weatherman, here I come!

*Another pic I found somewhere...

Laters!

Feeling Querulous and Yes, I Was a Juvenile Delinquent

2011-03-21T05:59:00.000-05:00

OMFG, look what I found! It's totally awesome! It's like they made it just for me (and Sully)!

Find more awesome things here.

So, we went to Half Price Books the other day and I picked up some good shit. I got 2 more Static-X CDs: Beneath, Between, Beyond; and Cannibal Killers Live, which comes with both a CD and a DVD. Sweet! I also purchased 2 books: Cunt: A Declaration of Independence; and The Quotable Bitch: Women Who Tell it Like it Really Is. They both look fantastic and I can't wait for my mind to stop racing long enough to actually read them. (Don't hold your breath) I'm also very psyched to watch my Static-X DVD. (I still want to measure Wayne Static's hair!)

In other news, we saw Red Riding Hood on Saturday. It was pretty good. Not great, but not awful. Granted, I was so tired I dozed on and off through it (Gawd I'm so lame), so I might not be the most reliable of reviewers, but that in no way implies it was boring, I was just that tired. (I dozed through all 3 Pirates of the Caribbean movies too.) It was actually quite suspenseful (from what I caught anyway) and my Drunken Midget adored it and wants to buy it as soon as it comes out on DVD. I really liked the actress that played Red Riding Hood. I don't remember her name in the movie. Or in real life, for that matter. And both Peter and the other dude whose name I also can't recall were very hot! Mmm-mmmm! I'd pay the money just to see them. Nummy!

However, I was rather bummed cuz my Midget went to see a movie yesterday with her friends and she saw The Adjustment Bureau, which is the movie I really wanted to see Saturday, but I let her pick.

Though I'm not quite sure why, I'm feeling rather...irascible and sullen. Like somebody scraped all my nerves with a dull, rusty knife. Maybe it's from dealing with a narky Midget all weekend. But then, I've been feeling this way for a while now. Of course, my Midget has been narky for a while now. Well, whatever it is, I want to take my aluminum baseball bat and destroy things with it. Mailboxes maybe.

When I was in high school there used to be this big sign in the Target parking lot. You know the kind, the ones with the removable letters upon which they spelled out their daily specials. Well, some friends and I were out raising hell one night and rearranged the letters to spell 'condoms' and then stole the remaining letters. We thought we were pretty damn funny.

I think that was the same night they tried to steal the newspaper box. That didn't work out so well. It was funny to watch though.

We pulled all kinds of crazy shit when I was in high school. Like the morning I came home after a night of heavy drinking with my backseat full of orange road cones.

Good times, good times.

In high school I was quite the klepto. When I was in 8th or 9th grade I got busted ripping off record albums at Target and had to take classes for the idiot shoplifters who get caught where they showed us bad 70s movies about how smoking pot can kill you. Of course, that didn't stop me from stealing, it just taught me to be smarter about it. After that I managed to acquire a vase of flowers and salt and pepper shakers from Burger King, a napkin holder and tray from McDonalds, a 'No Smoking' sign that we tore off the bathroom door at Fina, the road cones, and a whole bunch more stuff I can't remember offhand.

My poor parents. I was such a pain in the ass.

I have no idea what made me think of all that. It came to me when I was thinking about venting my displeasure on innocent mailboxes. Which I still want to do.

And, just cuz I feel like it, here's some funny stuff...

I may have posted this before. If so, it's a rerun.

And, on that slightly disturbing and somewhat offensive note, I'm outta here!

Laters!

A Sad Post

2011-03-21T02:00:00.000-05:00

It's the middle of the night
I can't sleep
my heart aches
the tears won't cease
my soul is wounded
the pain festers and throbs
will the agony ever end?

The Bible of None of the Above on a Steady Diet of Soda Pop and Ritalin*

2011-03-19T11:29:00.000-05:00

Roses are red

violets are blue

life really sucks

and so do you.

I made that one up. I'm feeling rather pissy this morning. But then I haven't had my coffee yet either.

Roses are red

pickles are green

I love your legs

and what's in between.

That one is a bumper sticker that I had on my 1979 Pontiac Grand Le Mans when I was in high school. And right next to it was this sticker:

It's been so long since I've had sex I can't remember who gets tied up.

There were more along those lines, but I can't recall what they were. I was 17 at the time. My mother was beyond mortified. Years later the neighbor boy told me he got all the sex education he needed from reading the bumper stickers on my car.

So today is the Full Moon! *hoooooooooooowls* It's a Supermoon too. It's the closest the moon has been to the Earth in 18 years. Depending on whom you talk to it's either going to cause all kinds of mayhem or nothing will happen.

Ostara, the Pagan Spring Festival, is tomorrow, for which I'm totally unprepared. *sigh* Imbolc was in February and I let that one pass without a ritual too. *heavy sigh* I'm such a bad, bad Witch. Life is just so overwhelming that the thought of planning and doing a ritual seems like an insurmountable task. I know I need to incorporate more spirituality into my life though.

Cow Abduction~ a mildly entertaining yet totally useless waste of time. I love it.

StumbleUpon is my new bestest internet friend. It keeps me entertained when I'm feeling restless and agitated.

I'm sucking down my coffee as fast as I can but it's just not fast enough. I'm gonna come back when the coffee has kicked in and I'm not so pissy. Until then, enjoy this. I know I did.

Picture from here.

K, I'm back. Still pissy, but whatever. So, my cat is making me crazy. (Too late) He's a complete and total attention whore and wants me to pet him constantly, especially when I'm siting at the computer. (Why can't he be aloof like other cats?) If I don't pay attention to him he sinks his claws into my flesh, which is so fun. Then he wanders around the house meowing mournfully. I really want to kick him across the room like a furry little football. (Which I would never actually do so don't go callin' PETA on me.)

This afternoon the Drunken Midget and I are going to see a movie. I think we've decided on Red Riding Hood. It looks pretty good; I love werewolf movies. The Adjustment Bureau looks good too, but she wants to see Red Riding Hood, and I let her choose cuz she's having a tough week.

My bestest friend is so awesome. They got a shitload of money back their taxes and she gave us $200. Yay! She so rocks! Thanks sweetie!

Well, this post isn't up to my normal standards of hilarity and brilliance, but it's gonna have to do cuz we're off to get breakfast.

Laters!

*Today's title brought to you by Green Day.

Hilarity, Sully, Blasphemy, and Strange Sexuality

2011-03-18T03:36:00.000-05:00

Before I start this post I want to do 2 things. One, apologize cuz it's very long, but I just couldn't bear to part with any of it, so, yeah. And secondly, I want to say I totally loooooove you to all my readers. You are all so awesome, every one of you (and you must be at least a little strange too if you can handle all the shit that falls out of my head) and especially my loyal readers who leave their 2 cents on my posts. Your comments always make me laugh and brighten my day. So thank you, thank you, thank you all!

Mwah!

My daughter's parakeet is a total metal head! Right now I'm playing the album 'Wisconsin Death Trip' by Static-X and she's totally going fucking nuts chirping along with it and dancing around on her perch. I wish I had a video camera or something cuz it is so beyond hilarious. She also likes Rob Zombie, Disturbed, and Guns N Roses. That's my kinda bird!

Recently I decided I'm no longer going to fight the voices in my head. I am going to embrace them. And not only am I going to embrace them, I'm going to name them all. So, look for that post soon.

So, I have a new Sully fantasy. Which is good, cuz the other 182 fantasies I had were getting stale. I needed a new one. The spark was fading from our relationship. So, in this fantasy, he surprises me late at night with a motorcycle ride to an empty beach where we picnic under a Full Moon and then we go skinny dipping, and...well I'll just stop there cuz the rest is...deliciously naughty and this is a family blog. (Since when?? LMAO)

The other day I was perusing my archives to see how much my blogging has changed since I started in 2007 (here anyway-I started out on Blogspirit in 2005) and to see if there was any material I wanted to spice up and repeat in case I ran out of blogging ideas someday. When I found this gem I had to repost it.

Post date: November 2007

Post title: God is a Hermaphrodite (Oh, just wait, it gets better!)

So, I'm on my way to drop the Drunken Midgets off at religion class last night [They were taking classes for their 1st Communion at my mom's church at the time.] and as usual, we had the strangest conversation. It started with:

Youngest DM: "God is both male and female so he has boobies and a penis."

[LMFAO-I totally forgot about this!]

And ended with:

Me: "Jesus is the one that's supposed to come back to Earth and he will NOT have boobies!"

I really wish I had thought to record the whole conversation, cuz I know it was a doozy!

With a little help from StumbleUpon, I created my own hell, all 9 circles of it. It looks a little something like this:

DMV Employees, General asshats
Circle I Limbo

Militant Vegans
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Scientologists
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Rednecks
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Bernie Madoff
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Osama bin Laden
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Creationists
Circle VII Burning Sands

George Bush, Republicans
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

The Pope, Jerry Falwell
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Now wasn't that just a phenomenal waste of time?! It was fun though. You should try it.

(I promise, I'm almost done)

And, another page from StumbleUpon offered up these strange sex laws (and more):

In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.

While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.

An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.

As recently as 1990, these states had laws against the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. Dead ones are apparently alright!?!

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England—but only in tropical fish stores.

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Prostitutes in South Dakota are still prohibited from plying their trade out of a covered wagon.

Don't try to fool around while skinny-dipping anywhere near Georgetown, Guyana. Getting caught while bathing in the nude is punishable with a coat of fresh paint. The bathers are then taken to the outskirts of Georgetown and left to fend for themselves. The law is even tougher in its effort to discourage people from having sex while skinny-dipping. The lovers are first given a coat of paint, then both parties "will be attached to an ass and taken on a tour of the village." Finally, they'll be dropped at the edge of town and told in no uncertain terms to not bother coming back.

In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)

And on that note, I'm outta here!

Laters!

Raise Your Hand if You Have a Dead Mouse in Your Purse

2011-03-17T08:05:00.001-05:00

First off, I'd like to say, "Kiss me I'm Irish!"

Mwah!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone! I wish I had a life cuz I would so go out for some green beer. Ok, so I wouldn't cuz I don't drink. But still.

So, so, so, so...before I get into this, I have to say that I might be a little confused as to what a meme actually is. I thought I knew, but now I wonder. I'm special like that. But, I'm sticking with it anyway cuz I'd already written the post before confusion set in.

So, I made up a meme! With a little help from an article on MSN anyway. And if this meme already exists, don't tell me cuz it will burst my bubble. And if you burst my bubble it will make me cry. Then I will have to come beat you with my cane. But I don't run very fast so you could probably get away. So then I'll just stand there, fuming internally, shaking my cane at you as I watch you fade into the horizon.

Anyway, I'm very excited about this!

Oh, what's the meme? It is, "What's in Your Purse?"

(Men, if you feel left out, you can do what's in your wallet, briefcase, or man-bag!)

So, this is what started my idea to share what's in your purses: It's a somewhat interesting article on what women carry in their purses. Yes, one woman even had a dead mouse in her purse. And, I don't care why she had it in there, it's still a dead mouse. In her purse.

So, just for shits and giggles, here's what's in my extremely fashionable purple purse (don't worry, there's no dead mice):

All of Godsmack's CDs (well duh!)
2 Static-X CDs
1 Rob Zombie CD
1 Mudvayne CD
lotion
wallet
2 lbs worth of receipts I'll never need
stylish monthly calendar (red)
cell phone
iPod
6 pens-only 3 of them actually work
3 lighters
smokes-Basic menthol light 100s
5 bumper stickers from Aloha Monkey (That's where I got my latest tattoo.)
paperwork for bloodwork I was supposed to have done 4 months ago
paperwork for the surgery I had done 2 months ago
a bunch of change (mostly pennies)
the book Clan of the Goddess
8 napkins from McDonalds
a deck of cards
4 AA batteries
pack of Orbit gum-spearmint

So, nothing too exciting. Or disgusting.

What's in your purse? Answer in the comments, or do your own post. If you do your own post, leave your link in the comments section so I can check it out.

And, just for shits and giggles, here are a few random things that have me totally peeing my pants with excitement.

Green Day's Awesome as F**k comes out on Tuesday. I have to wait till my check comes on the 1st to buy it, but I'm still so excited it's coming out. I heart Green Day!! Billie Joe, I love you almost as much as I love Sully.
My Bloggy Friend Anne, who blogs @ Small Town Mommy is not only coming into town, but she's also going to photoshop a pic of me and Sully for me! Woot! Woot! Booyah! Thank you Anne, I so offer you my undying love and devotion! Yeah, I know. I'm a spazztic dork.
I'm working on a new poll, so look for that.
One of my favorite authors, Kim Harrison, has a new book out called Pale Demon. It's the 9th book in the Rachel Morgan/Hollows series. It's an utterly fantastic series and I love it. So that's on my Amazon shopping list too.
Lately I've been gaining tons of new readers/followers and I'm meeting some totally awesome bloggers. I'm really psyched about that!

Laters!

First I'd Like to Thank All of My Fans, Who Made This Award Possible...

2011-03-16T07:40:00.000-05:00

"Who's to say I would like you anyway? Take a deep breath, I'm alive!!" ~Godsmack, 'Bad Religion.'

(Do I have the right form of who's in there? It looks wrong. And as a Grammar Nazi, it's disturbing me. Greatly)

Yes, I'm alive! And out from under my rock! Again! (For the moment) I spent most of the afternoon yesterday (well, today, cuz I'm typing this yesterday-did ya catch that?) under there cuz I was rabidly crabby and utterly despairing. Talk about mood swings. Goddess stop the ride I wanna get off!

Seriously, I think I'm gonna vomit.

Before I jump into boasting and narcissism (Well, I did win an award!), I want to share a page at Our Loonyverse with you. On this page you can find all kinds of ways to help the crisis in Japan. There are a lot of good, reputable links there, so please check it out. Thanks DDIVA! They need all the help we can offer. And don't forget to send your prayers and positive vibes not only to those in Japan but to those who live in other countries that have friends and family there. Thank you.

Now, on with the show.

So, I've had this meme that I've been meaning to post, but Monday I forgot, then Tuesday, as we all know, belongs to Keely, She of the Purple Ham, and now today I want to post on my award, so it will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm really psyched about this meme though, cuz I made it up, a fact of which I'm quite proud, and even if it turns out to be a really lame meme and nobody does it, I'm ok with that, cuz, well, I made it up and I think I should get points for that. Also, it could be a meme that somebody already did, in which case, I'm still totally ok with that cuz I didn't know that it had already been done and came up with it all on my own. Well, mostly. See, so no matter how you look at it, I still rock!

So look for that tomorrow.

Unless something else comes up.

So on to the award. Which I'm so psyched about I'm doing cartwheels. (Not really) Cuz I love awards! Of course I do, I love attention!! (And accolades!) Even though this is the first time I've won an award in a very, very long time. (What's up with that anyway? I'm just sayin'. Well, more like askin'.) As I mentioned yesterday it was gifted to me by Jess @ Ramblings of an Emotional Idiot, which is a fantabulous blog so if you haven't checked it out yet you should. Here is the link to the post she did when she received the award. So, I declare that Jess can officially join my club of You Rock! I so should make that an actual club and invite all my fave Bloggy Friends to join.It would be an uberly exclusive club. We could have a code word and a secret handshake and everything. Oooh, how about secret decoder rings?

Ahem. I digress.

(I am such a dork)

Anyhoo, so now I get to share 3 things that I love about myself! Just 3. Not 4. Not 12. Not 3 dozen. Just 3. Ok fine.

My enthusiasm. When I'm not utterly despairing, that is. When I'm in an upswing I have an enormous amount of enthusiasm. Copious amounts of enthusiasm. I am awash with enthusiasm. About everything.That doesn't piss me off. But even then, I'm very enthusiastic about my pissy-ness.
My creativity. Most of the time I'm a very creative person, which I think comes through in my blogs and my writing, especially my poetry.
My sense of humor. Regardless of what anyone else may think, I crack myself up. And that's all that really matters now, isn't it? Hehe

I'm also supposed to post a picture I love. Which leads me to a conundrum.(I love that word!) I assume that since it's my award, I should probably be in the pic. (And not Sully. What if I photo shop myself into Sully's pic? Oh, don't have photo shop. Never mind. If someone out there does have photo shop and loves me and has lots of time on their hands, I could send a pic of me and a pic of Sully and you could so do that for me. I'd totally love you forever! That's like a whole eternity of my undying love and devotion!) Again, I digress. There are not many pics of me that I really love. Or even like. And I refuse to take a current pic of me until I lose weight. Ok, let me dig through my photos and find something. Hold on.

*muzak plays softly*

Stuperdoggies! All they need are little purple capes!

LAMO Ok, no pics I love with me in them. And the only other pics I love that I have on this puter are the ones I posted on yesterday's post of my Midgets. So you get this, a pic of my favorite kind of dog. (Hey, it was either that or Sully) It's a Chinese Crested. Don't you just look at that dog and go 'OMG that is so the kinda dog Raven has to have!' If I ever got one I'd so have to buy it a doggy snowsuit for winter, but still. I loooooove those doggies! LMFOA

And now.....drum roll please....time to give out the awards. There are so very many deserving blogs out there, but I'm narrowing it down to 5 for the sake of my short attention span. And cuz that's how many Jess did.

So here we go...In no particular order...

There are so many, many more awesome blogs that I will get to when I get my next award. (Hint, hint!)

Laters!

Slapdash Randomness During Which I Randomly Get Random-Random Tuesday Thoughts

2011-03-15T00:21:00.004-05:00

It is Tuesday yet again! (Yupp, there's one every week) Woot! Woot! Of course you all know what that means. And if you don't, where the hell have ya been? So, you know the drill: Keely, badge, random. But read this post first. Now.

*If you want to donate money to Japan, you can do it with a simple text message.

Text REDCROSS to 90999 to Give $10 Japan Earthquake and Pacific Tsunami

They will simply add the donation to your monthly cell bill. Oh, and I got this info from Godsmack's Facebook page. See, they just totally rock.And you wonder why I can't stop talking about them. :P

*I'm planning on getting a bumper sticker made for my car that says, "All Godsmack. All the time."

*So, as usual I'm beginning this post on Monday and I will finish it on Tuesday. At the moment I'm typing this from my rock (yes, my rock has internet) which I have crawled under cuz I'm on strike until life ceases to suck.

*I am excited, however, cuz one of my bloggy friends is coming to town. Her bestest friend moved to my city and she's coming to visit her. Small world and all that. So I'm hoping to join them for brunch while she's here. Yay!

*My Drunken Midget is home sick again. I don't think she's made it to school for a full week since it started. My mom even offered to pay her $10 for every week she has perfect attendance and she hasn't earned a dime so far.

*Have I mentioned lately that I hate my whole life? Yeah, that's what I thought.

*For Sale:
1 life (as is)
$.50 or best offer

*All right. That is it! This crappy mood has to go! I am bound and determined to put myself in a good mood or die trying. All I need is a sledgehammer and some Gorilla Glue. (Wait, what?)

*So, I did The ABCs of Moi post a few days back, and I just realized that I somehow managed to skip K and X. (Hey, none of you noticed it either. Not even the ones who did the meme after me!)

So, allow me to rectify (that word always makes me giggle) that now:

Kids: I have two stunning girls, ages 15 and 19 (I'm not old, I just started young), whom I lovingly refer to as my Drunken Midgets. (thank you, Dennis Leary for that) They make me crazy, they made me gray prematurely (ok, so that was probably genetics), and sometimes I want to sell them to the gypsies, but truth be told I wouldn't trade them for the world. They are the most awesomest Drunken Midgets ever!

Drunken Midget #1-My Enigmatic Libra

Drunken Midget #2-My Turbulent Cancer

I don't know why that pic won't rotate, but whatever. Oh, and see the shiny necklace? Her bf got her that for Valentine's. What a guy, eh?

X-rays you've had: As I have a plethora of health problems and I'm accident prone (I have a tendency to fall down stairs and drop heavy things on my feet, like VCRs-you know those old ones that weighed 2 tons.) I have had pretty much every part of my body imaged in some way, whether it be X-ray, CT, MRI or what have you. I think that the only body parts I haven't had imaged are my fingers. And my ass.

*I hate socks. I never wear them, not even in winter. It's like having my feet wrapped in cotton tubes of death.

*I received an award! Woo-hoo! *happydancehappydance* Jess, over at Ramblings of an Emotional Idiot (Isn't that a fantastic name for a blog?) gifted me with the Cherry on Top Award. So tomorrow, I will list 3 things I love about myself (Just 3?? Surely you mean 3 dozen!) and hand it out to other deserving recipients.

*And, I leave you with this random vid, sent to me by Fireblossom aka Shay, which was so freaking hilarious it made me crawl out from under my rock. My favorite ones are the babies and animals falling. I'm so evil, I know!

Laters!

Warning: This Post May Contain Material Offensive to the Pope

2011-03-14T02:30:00.002-05:00

Insomnia and I are best buds now. Yupp. Inseparable. Two peas in a pod. I've only been sleeping every other night, and while I love the extra time to do the really important things like blog and surf StumbleUpon, my body is cryin' for more sleep.

Apparently, according to astronomers, the zodiac has changed cuz of something to do with the Earth's axis or rotation or some such thing. If you believe that, I'm now a Cancer, instead of a Leo. But, astrologers are poo-pooing the astronomers cuz of something to do with astrology being based on some tropical something or other. (As you can see I did such extensive research on the topic.) So, according to astrologers, I'm still a Leo. I'm not sure what to think. I like being a Leo. Leos rock. But, I do share a ton in common with Cancers too, and I tend to be a lot more introverted than your average Leo. (No, seriously.)

So, I heard recently that the Catholic church has decided that Limbo is out. Gone. Poof. It is no more. How does that work? So, the Pope was just sittin' around one day, chillin' with Limbo, some communion wine, and a bifter when they had a bit off a tiff cuz Limbo refused to genuflect and the Pope, by this time both plastered and stoned, got all narky and ended up kicking its ass out, crying, "Hey Limbo, get the fuck out! I shun you. Shun, I say."

(I am so going to hell)

And what happens to all those poor, unchristened babies?

Additionally, I read that the church is telling people in third world countries that condoms don't help to prevent the spread of AIDS on account of their stance on birth control. WTF? I really have nothing witty or funny to say about that, it's just that fucked up. And my family wonders why I'm no longer Catholic. (Though, to be honest, I was only baptized Catholic as an infant-when I had no choice in the matter-and attended church for various and sundry weddings and christenings-again, not much of a choice there-and I don't think that counts. I never even had my 1st Communion. My grandma says that doesn't matter, I'll always be Catholic cuz I was baptized Catholic, but I'm still going to hell cuz I'm not a practicing Catholic. It's this whole confusing thing that I just don't get.)

I found Jesus. He's drunk in my backseat.

I found Jesus. Have you seen my car keys?

I found Jesus. Will you guys quit losing him already?

K, just had to get that off my chest.

So, I have the earbuds to my iPod shoved into my ears so much (I've even been known to sleep with my iPod on so Sully can croon to me in my dreams. I know, I'm.Such.A.Dork.) that I actually have a small sore on my left ear from the earbud rubbing against it. It hurts to listen to my music now. Not that that deters me from listening. I'd suffer any amount of pain for ~~Sully~~ music. I'm a music junkie. I heart music. I'd marry it if I could. But not that country crap. I listen to pretty much every genre of music, including opera, I even let my Drunken Midget listen to hip-hop and pop in the car *gags* but I am proud to say that my radios are 100% country free. Country, I shun you like the Pope shuns Limbo.

StumbleUpon thought I'd like this site, and they were right. They know me so well. I LMAO until I cried. Literally. Go ahead. Check it out. I'll wait.

This one is equally as hilarious.

And last but not least, I have to share this one, cuz OMG they are all hilarious, but the 4th one down made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. I think this is what she was thinking: "Oooh, it's stretchy!"

So, I finally watched my 'Godsmack-Changes' DVD. It so rocked my world! I love Sully Erna and Godsmack even more now. (Is that even possible?) Sully has such an awesome attitude and he is hilarious! I even got to watch him do yoga. Nummy. And that Boston accent. *swoons* Shannon Larkin, their drummer, is pretty awesome too (not as awesome as Sully though). I love watching him in action, he just goes fucking wild.

And, just cuz I'm going on about Godsmack (Hey, I went 6 whole posts without talking about them, what do you want from me?) I'm going to post this vid. You can see Sully and Shannon in all their gloriousness. I'm not quite sure what's up with the creepy dude in the bathtub though.

And on that note, I'm outta here!

Laters!

P.S. I wonder how much hate mail I'll get on account of this post?

I'm a Stuperstar!

2011-03-13T10:51:00.001-05:00

I'd chance to agree with this assessment. Especially the part about being lovable. I know I love me. :P

The Coen Brothers Should Direct the Movie of Your Life

You can't help but see the darker side of life. You are drawn to eccentricity.

You have a sharp wit, and your sense of humor can be a bit extreme. You tend to shock people.

You are an unusual character, and the people you hang around with are equally quirky.

You may be weird but you're also quite lovable. You are definitely unforgettable.

Who Should Direct the Movie Of Your Life?

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

Can I just say that I've really had my fill of rabidly crabby teenagers that bite my head off every time I speak, or even breathe? *sigh* Can't she just be 26 already?

Laters!

Like Lemmings Off a Cliff, I Am Compelled to Talk About Charlie Sheen

2011-03-12T03:29:00.000-06:00

And yes, if all my friends jumped off a cliff, I would too. Well, I don't want to be all alone!

It's 2 a.m. and I'm halfway thru my 3rd pot of coffee for the day. Between that and the 4 packs of Pez I just inhaled, you know you're in for a hell of a ride.

So, I went to look at the drafts that I have waiting to be posted and kinda panicked cuz I don't have any I wanted to post. I have a few with quizzes from Blogthings, but don't feel like posting any of those today. I also have a meme I made up, but I'm waiting till Monday to post it. Usually I have posts drafted days in advance, but apparently not today. Damn it. So, what the hell am I going to post about?

Hmmmmm....

Let's see....

*Jeopardy tune plays*

No, I'm not stalling, why do you ask?...

Ok, so fine, let us speak of Charlie Sheen. Well, I'll speak...err...type and you listen, I mean, read. (Thanks Kate for the idea!) Well, damn it, everyone else is talking about him. Why can't I? Even though I really don't know much about what's going on with him cuz I don't have tv and haven't bothered to read anything about him online cuz I really haven't liked him since I had a very minor, fleeting crush on him in high school when he was in Young Guns, and that movie he was in with Emelio Estevez when they were garbage men.

That was a movie right, I'm not just pulling that out of some acid backflash I created in my mind?

Anyway. Charlie Sheen. What a fuckmonkey. I LMAO when he was fired from 'Three and a Half Men.' I hated that show. If a single mother pulled half the shit that Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer pull on that show, she would have had her children forcibly removed from the home. But two jackass bachelors do it and suddenly it's funny. Whatev.

Wow, I'm swearing way more than normal today. (WTF?) Apparently I have an attitude. (Don't I always?)

Ok, back to Charlie Sheen. What is there to say? His ego is bigger than Owen Wilson's pot stash. He's not nearly half as good looking as he imagines himself to be. He's a mediocre actor. He's a womanizer. I heard something about a porn star? Or was it hookers? Either way, how cliche. If you're going to throw your life down the crapper at least be creative about it. How about getting caught in bed with a transgender giraffe? Or maybe check into rehab for snorting pixie sticks. I don't know. Just be imaginative.

Now, I just tried to do some research on this topic, just so I knew what was going on, cuz I like to at least appear to know what I'm talking about, and the only things I could really find (admittedly I didn't put much effort into the search. I have better things to do. Well, no I don't, but still.) were some people asking 'what's going on with Charlie Sheen' on Yahoo! Answers. Sadly, there were many answers that simply stated things like, "He's brilliant." "He's awesome." "He's an Adonis." Really though? What is wrong with you people? He's a vapid egomaniac who gets hard when he slaps women around. He had everything, fame, fortune, family, and he threw it all away to become the butt of everyone's jokes. Though there aren't really any good ones out there. I know this cuz I Googled 'Charlie Sheen jokes.'

Ok, enough about him. Now I feel dirty. And not in the good way.

I love this quote/conversation from Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels:

(I love, love, love, Guy Ritchies' films.)

Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?

Other dude whose name I don't remember: *laughs* Yeah

Winston: And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist.

I heart Pez!

And on that note,

Laters!

The ABCs of Moi!

2011-03-11T11:15:00.000-06:00

I stole this meme from Living a Goddess Life who got it from Every Little Thing. It's awesome. Read mine. Then do your own. I dare you. If you do, leave a link in the comments section so I can come read it. K, here we go...

*Age~ 38. 39 in July. On the 26th (mark your calenders now). Yes, I'm a Leo. No, I'm not panicking about turning 40 next year. Pish. Mentally I'm stuck in the teen years, so I'm ok with that.

*Bed~ Queen. Sealy's Posturepedic. I adore it. It rocks my world. I sleep in it alone yet still sleep on one edge cuz the rest of the bed is filled with junk, mostly books.

*Chore you hate~ Every last one.

*Dogs~ Can't have them in my apartment so we have 2 cats and bird. I love dogs but don't know if I'd want to take one out every time it had to pee or poo.

*Essential to start your day~ Coffee. And essential to continue my day. I make 1 pot when I wake up. Another one around noon, and if I have insomnia another one around midnight.

*Favorite color~ Purple.

*Gold or Silver~ Silver all the way.

*Height~ 5'6 and 3/4. I usually just tell people 5'7. It's easier.

*Instrument~ Played the clarinet in elementary school and the guitar briefly in high school. Didn't have the inclination to practice so I never went far. I was much more interested in writing.

*Job Title~ Mother/Writer/Stuperhero/Mental Patient

*Live~ In Eden Prairie, Minnesota, where I've lived since 6th grade, except for 2 brief moves-one to New Hope and one to St. Paul.

*Mom's name~ Lynn

*Nickname~ Raven

*Overnight hospital stays~ 2 surgeries (gall bladder, bladder), 1 for when I had 2 blood clots in my leg and 3 (or 4) stints in the psych ward, though those were more than overnight. Oh well.

*Pet Peeve~ Bad grammar, snotty kids, people who try to force their religion down my throat, rude salespeople, telemarketers, fair weather friends...do you want me to go on? I could...forever.

*Quote from a movie~ "If there's anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot right now." The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

*Righty or lefty~ Righty.

*Siblings~ One younger brother.

*Time you wake up~ Anytime between 2 and 8 a.m.

*Underwear~ I hate underwear. Let your imagination take you where it will.

*Vegetable you don't like~ Are Lima beans a veggie or a legume? Or something else entirely?

*What makes you run late~ Getting distracted with writing, a book, or my blog.

*Yummy food you make~ I'm a horrible cook but I make a mean meatloaf.

*Zoo animal~ Wolves, all the way. After that, dolphins.

Gettin' My Grooveness Back On! Oh yeah!

2011-03-10T01:57:00.001-06:00

5...4...3...2...1...

And now we are back to our regularly scheduled ~~brilliance~~ programming.

Yes, I'm back! And I'm bad. You know it! *dances*

Or maybe *convulses* would be more accurate. I'm a horrible dancer. Awful. Just bloody horrific. I shouldn't be allowed to do it. Ever.

********

Dear Kitchen

I just cleaned you yesterday yet today I wake up to find that you have exploded once again.
WTF?
This time you can just go clean yourself.

Raven

********

Dear Dirty Dishes

Stop reproducing while I sleep!

Raven

********

My mom always tells me 'Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.'

Which might be true, but isn't entirely helpful.

I like Marilyn Manson's version better.

'Whatever doesn't kill you is gonna leave a scar.'

And my version the best.

'Whatever doesn't kill you might make you take out a third of the planet's population with a semi-automatic Uzi.' (please refer to the Disclaimer on sidebar) It's a little long to be catchy, but it works for me.

My grandmother is one of those women who believes ladies don't fart. Not shouldn't fart. Don't fart. Ever. In fact, she won't even say the word 'fart.' My mom is the same way. She made us kids use the word 'gasser' when we were growing up. Yeah, that didn't get me teased at all in elementary school.

My grandma also says ladies don't burp, cross their legs at the knees, drink pop from a can, or swear-she'd so have a stroke if she witnessed me in action for a day. (I love you grandma!)

First of all, I don't want to be a lady cuz they obviously don't have any fun at all. Second, anyone who tells me that they don't fart is a big fat liar, liar pants on fire. And how do I know that? Cuz they haven't exploded yet.

Yeah, sure, I'll get to that right after my nap

My wireless mouse for my netbook has developed a petulant attitude and only works when it feels like it. The rest of the time it collects unemployment. But it won't share the wealth. Selfish mouse. I need a new one but can't afford it right now, so I'm stuck using the mousepad on my netbook, which sucks. It does things I don't want it to do without my permission and then I can't undo them without great effort on my part.

I love to swear. I'm sure you've noticed. There's just something immensely gratifying about swearing. I don't know what it is. Some people are put off by that and don't like it. They can fuck me. Twice. Of course, I also know there's a time and a place for swearing, so I'm not one of those people who tosses the F-bomb about in a room full of little kids.

Raven, I just can't keep up with you!

My youngest Drunken Midget and I are forever viciously battling over batteries-and those suckers are expensive! She needs them for her Gameboy and I need them for my...toys. And personally I think my...needs trump hers. I'm a single woman in my sexual peak, I bang my way through so many batteries the Energizer Bunny sends me a lovely thank you note every Easter. Handwritten. We used to have a bunch of rechargeable batteries but my Midget would use them up and never charge them so they were always dead when I needed them, and after a while she lost all the batteries and eventually the charger.

Why don't batteries grow on trees? It would make my life a lot easier. Need some batteries for your Gameboy? Go harvest some.

I love the tv show 'Dharma and Greg.' Dharma is totally my idol. She's so free and uninhibited. She's supremely confident and unafraid to be herself, completely and totally, without apology, no matter what other people might think or what a spazz she might appear to be. She's awesome.

And her and Greg are just so adorable together. It's a show that makes my heart all warm and fuzzy. And I don't normally like those kind of shows. Usually they make me vomit profusely. Projectile-like. Maybe cuz 'Dharma and Greg' is such a funny show and I love their characters so much the vomit issue isn't much of a factor for me. I have no idea. Come on people, cut me a break, I'm just pullin' most of this out of my ass! (what's that smell?)

Yes, I'm a Grammar Nazi. And yes, I know you're not supposed to start sentences with 'and' or 'but.' But yes, I do it anyway. Normally I'm a stickler for grammar (my biggest pet peeve is when people say 'funner.' It's not a freaking word! It's 'more fun.') but in those cases, I defy the rules cuz I think they are stupid.

Wow, this turned out to be a really long post. I needed to get my groove back though after yesterday's pissy post. Also, as I saw my therapist today, err yesterday, there's been new developments in the 'War of the Therapists' (as one of my readers put it) *snickers* But I'll get to that another day.

Laters!

The Bare It All Post-No I'm Not Gonna Get Naked, for My Sake as Well as Yours

2011-03-09T05:56:00.001-06:00

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this post. No, it's not humorous, but I needed to vent.

Ok, this is it, the post where I tell you what's going on with my youngest Drunken Midget and her therapist. It might be long post. It will be an angry post. I can promise you that.

So, a bit of background. I'll try to make it as brief as possible. My youngest Midget has had emotional/behavioral problems since the womb, I swear. She was a difficult pregnancy, a difficult baby, toddler, etc. etc. on up until the present moment. She has had many diagnoses, but her current ones are bipolar, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), and GED (generalized anxiety disorder).

Let me pause here to say that my Midget has many wonderful, amazing qualities. She is brilliant, creative, highly intelligent, caring and compassionate (at least with people that aren't me), she has a fantastic sense of humor. I could go on and on. So before some ignorant jackass leaves a comment judging me for bitching about the problems we've had and telling me that I should focus on the positive, I tell you in advance, piss off and don't bother leaving that comment cuz I will just delete it. In fact I will delete any comment judging me, this post, or my parenting. You don't know me, my life, or my situation. So you can just frack off.

So, we've had issues for years. Our relationship isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, mistakes have been made on both sides. Yadda yadda yawn. However, my Midget is manipulative and tends to exaggerate the horrors of her situation to garner sympathy. For instance, she tells people I never cook for her.

This is actually how it goes 90% of the time. I take her to the grocery store. I tell her to pick out what she wants me to make her for the week. She rudely snaps, 'I don't care.' So I pick out food. We return home. I tell her what I'm making for dinner. She rudely says, 'I don't want that. I'm eating at my friend's.' Or 'I don't want that, take me to Applebees, I want steak.'

Yet, I'm a horrible mother cuz I never cook.

Also, she loves to tell people the house is a mess all the time cuz I never clean (she cuts me no slack for being disabled). Yet, she forgets to mention to these people that she throws garbage, clothes, shoes, school papers, etc. etc. etc. all over the floor, leaves dirty dishes everywhere, and somehow manages to get Gushers stuck in the printer. She is 15 years old. Even if I wasn't disabled, I should not have to follow her around, clean up after her and extract Gushers from the printer. And I'm not imagining this. My bestest friend has come over and cleaned my house and agrees that a vast majority of the mess is my Midget's.

So, she's been to half a dozen individual therapists, 2 family therapists, several psychiatrists, and been hospitalized 3 times since January of 2010. She tells them all the same thing. She's depressed because her home life is so horrible cuz I don't cook or clean. Keep in mind that my bestest friend tells me all the time that I bend over backwards for my Midget and that she wouldn't do half of what I do for my Midget because she (my Midget) treats me like crap.

Not to mention that there is more going on here than just the fact that I supposedly don't cook or clean, and no one seems to want to bother to find out what that is cuz I'm apparently an easy scapegoat. I'm sick of being the scapegoat. And scapegoating me isn't helping us to find out what's wrong with my Midget.

Also keep in mind that her 'father' (Mr. Started beating me 2 days after I found out I was pregnant but that's ok cuz he was on so many drugs at the time-don't even get me started on him) was not involved in her life after the age of six months in any way; not a birthday card, not a phone call in 15 years. I am a mentally and physically disabled single parent with a mentally ill Midget. I received no help from him except for child support, when he felt like paying it. Yet, he is 100% blame free, all is forgiven and forgotten because he has been playing superdad once a month for the last 5 months.

Bite me. Twice. Then I'll punch you in the eye.

That is a very, very brief overview of the history of our situation. There is so much more to tell, but I don't have the time to get into it all.

And so this leads us to the current therapist, who, if I had my way, would be in hell right now being tortured by angry Nazis for all of eternity.

She, apparently, has been encouraging my Midget to emancipate herself cuz her home life is so awful. Which it isn't. We have our issues, but it's not nearly horrid enough to justify that. Plus, Minnesota doesn't really have emancipation laws. I know, cuz I talked to several people and looked it up online. (I, unlike other people, do my research) It is only granted in very extreme circumstances and if the parent agrees to it. Which it isn't, and I won't. So basically, this therapist is dispensing legal advice when she's not a lawyer and doesn't even know the law. Can you say, Malpractice, boys and girls? Aside from that, she seems to think that my Midget could take care of herself despite the fact that she would have nowhere to live and has had only 1 job, from which she was fired for not bothering to check her schedule, thus missing half her shifts.

Yeah, that sounds like a child that can live on her own at the age of 15.

After I confronted the therapist and my Midget's social worker called her, the therapist called me and said that maybe she had been 'dramatic' when we spoke and that she did not mean to imply that my Midget could take care of herself. That, if emancipated, she would need 'intense adult supervision and guidance.' So what's the fucking point of emancipation then you vapid banshee? Emancipation makes a child a legal adult living completely on their own. She also said the process could take up to two years. By then my Midget will be almost 18. WTF?

What gets me the most is that this therapist is taking everything my Midget says at face value, without bothering to talk to me or anyone else. Until all this happened, she spent all of 5 minutes talking to me before completely dismissing me. And, she apparently did no research into my Midget's past history of therapy, etc (and if she did, that just makes her an even bigger dochecanoe-that's my new word). The hospital psychologist clearly stated that my Midget has a skewed perception of reality that does not mesh with reality as it is. The treatment center she went to after the hospital said that she is manipulative and throws a tantrum like a 2 year old anytime things don't go her way. They also said she is extremely emotionally immature. I could go on and on, but you get the gist.

I mean, if she did do the research, with these kind of statements in her history, don't you think the therapist would want to verify my Midget's version of the facts? But no, she's too busy being 'astounded by her (my Midget's) wisdom and intuition' and was 'so impressed' with the fact that the last time my Midget was admitted to the hospital 'she just knew intuitively that she needed a break from life to keep herself well.' Seriously, she not only said those things but offered them up as proof positive that my Midget should be emancipated.

I spoke to my therapist about all this and my therapist thinks this woman is a fucking loon and should be censured, admit that she fucked up, and discontinue the therapy. I am thinking about discontinuing it as she is doing more harm than good, but it would put just one more rung in my Midget's ladder of hatred.

On Monday, I have a session with the therapist, just the two of us. Toe to Toe. Mano e Mano. I don't think she realizes yet that I'm in Angry Mother Bear Mode, teeth, claws and all. Also, she doesn't know it yet, but whatever happens in that session will determine whether or not I file complaints with both the counseling center and the board of psychology.

Oh, there is so much more to all this, but I'm just sick to death of it all and this post has become long enough.

Laters!

It's So Random It'll Blow Your Freakin' Mind!! (Or Your Money Back)

2011-03-08T05:27:00.000-06:00

It's Tuesday! The most fabulous day of the week, thanks to Keely, the Goddess of Random. Let us all bow before her and worship her in all her Glorious Randomness.

*worshipworshipworship*

Now we shall randomize.

*I cheated and wrote this all out yesterday. Good thing cuz I woke up groggy as hell with a massive headache and the intense need to destroy things. But I haven't had my coffee yet either, and coffee can make it all better. I love you coffee.

*Yes, there is still a poinsettia on my entertainment center. Yes, I am aware that Christmas has long since passed. Yes, I am also aware that said poinsettia is quite dead and has been in this state since the end of January. Yes, I am aware of the fact that I fail. Utterly and epically.

*Ya just gotta love conversations that start with, "You know when you feel like ya gotta poop, but you know that there's not enough for a turd, it's more like a peanut?" (Oh, don't tell me you've never had a conversation about poo before!)

I do have a point in sharing the above poo statement. And it's not to gross you out. It is just proof positive that my bestest gf and I can have a conversation about anything. And I mean anything. We have conversations on everything from parenting to sex toys to margarine. And apparently poo.

*I am much relieved to find that instead of the 17 inches of snow I heard we were getting on Monday and Tuesday, we are actually only getting 1-2 inches on Wednesday. Phew. Sorry Mother Nature, I guess I should have double checked my facts before I beat you to a bloody pulp.

*Ok, now I just heard on the radio that a 'storm' is moving in on Wednesday. I hardly think 1-2 inches qualifies as a storm. Certainly not by Minnesota standards. So I really have no idea how much snow we are supposed to get.

*Yes, and the forecast has changed yet again. The snow is going to start today, and we 'might get enough to shovel or plow.' WTF weatherman?Vague much?

*Sex is like snow: You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

*snicker*


What, is there something wrong with my hair?

*I really want to measure Wayne Static's hair, just to see how tall it really is. Then, after that I'll measure his...beard.

Hands off the beard!

It's ok Wayne, I love your look. I think you're a hottie. Sorry you didn't make my Top 5. There's a fruit basket coming in the mail. If it's any consolation, you only lost to Spider One by 2 votes.

*The other day I walked into the living room and my Drunken Midget was cleaning out the filter on the vacuum cleaner. I asked her if she was gonna vacuum. She said no, she just felt like cleaning it. That seemed like a rather random thing to decide to do if she wasn't actually planning on vacuuming.

*This is my favorite Facebook status that I've posted in the last week (for some reason blogger wants lots of space in between these paragraphs. I don't exactly know why):

To the Voices in My Head,

It has come to management's attention that there are too many of us in here. It is becoming quite crowded. People everywhere. Lenny was trampled to death just last week. As you can see, this is getting ridiculous and you all just have to go. You have three days to vacate the premises. Management apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause.

*I bought me some Frank's Red Hot sauce and was all excited to torch my taste buds. Yeah, it's not nearly hot enough for me. I could get more heat out of tepid tea.

*Salad: It's what food eats.

*Ok, so I stole that from some British dude, but he doesn't read this blog anyway, so it's all good.

*I've always wanted to date a guy with a mohawk. I don't know why. I guess I just think they are sexy, if a guy can pull it off. Not all of them can.

*Despite the fact that it has a cassette player in it (Really though? But it has a CD player too, so it's all good.), my Buick's sound system is pretty kickin'. When I really crank it up, which I do every time my Midget is not in the car-cuz she always yells at me to turn my music down-you can hear me comin' from about 6 blocks away.

I heart Green Day (I love you Billie Joe!)

*Green Day's Awesome as F**k comes out on March 22nd. I am so freaking psyched!!! Check out my YouTube channel for a sneak peak. It's the featured vid.

Was that random enough for ya? Cuz I wasn't really serious about that 'Or your money back' thing.

Laters!

So Can You Tell Me Exactly What Freedom Means if I'm Not Free to be as Twisted as I Want to Be?*

2011-03-07T04:01:00.000-06:00

It is currently 3:41 a.m. and unless you count my 10 minute cat nap, I haven't slept yet. I really hope that doesn't mean another manic episode is lurking around the bend. Though I thoroughly enjoyed (for the most part) my last episode, I really don't think my body (or cyberspace) can handle another one.

Random thing my Drunken Midget exclaimed that made me want to both laugh and cry:

Mom! There's a Gusher stuck in the printer!

For those of you who don't know what a Gusher is, it's a disgusting fruit snack kinda thing with a nasty liquid filling.

Don't worry, the Gusher (and the pen that was stuck behind it) came out just fine and the printer is working at its normal level of averageness.

Yesterday I poured coffee into my purse. Well, it wasn't on purpose! Luckily for me, the only thing in it that got wet (that I care about anyway) was my Godsmack The Oracle CD which kinda sucks cuz it wasn't one of those plastic cases, but the cardboard-like ones, but it only got wet a little so I'm not totally freaking out about it. The pic of Sully was not damaged in any way, so it's all good.

(Yes, I carry all of Godsmack's CDs with me in my purse so I can listen to them in the car. I don't leave them in my car cuz they could get wrecked. Or stolen. And yes, somehow I always end up talking about Godsmack. I really don't try, I swear. It just seems to happen that way. I mean, really, are you suggesting that I poured coffee into my purse and onto my Godsmack CD just so I could have a reason to talk about them?)

I also poured coffee on the floor of the lobby of my apartment building, but it's tile, so I'm ok with that. Luckily for me, no one saw or they probably would have slapped me with a $50 'littering fee.' I know all about these cuz I got one of those when my eldest 'threw' a pop can on the garage floor. (We were in a hurry when it fell out of the car and I was going to pick it up after I dropped the Midgets at school) Supposedly the resident manager witnessed said 'littering' and ratted me out (bitch) but I didn't see her around anywhere. She must have been lurking in the shadows. Or she was in Super Stealth Mode.

I had no idea that the cost of labor for bending down to pick up a pop can was $50. And she didn't even throw it away, but picked it up and put it on top of my car so I was the one who threw it away-ok, so I threw it back into my car, whatev. They should have paid me $50.

That's ok, they ended up firing her ass. (Karma is a heartless bitch) All she did all day was walk around with a bottle of Windex, and no actual cleaning ever got done. Except, of course, for picking up the random pop can. And charging me $50 for it.

The moral of this story? Littering is expensive. Don't do it.

I love this song by Limp Bizkit. And I'm so psyched cuz now I actually know the title so I can buy it on iTunes! Someday. When I have an extra $1.29. Which isn't today.

Hopefully it won't cut off half the vid like it normally does when I embed from YouTube. Oh, I just checked the preview, it does cut it off. Damn it. Oh well.

Laters!

*Today's title brought to you by Disturbed.